05 December 2013

Isn't it Sad?

For someone you thought as your friend
And you still think is
But they don't seem to think so too

i met someone i used to consider as a friend
it's been five years or so
yet he calmly walk pass by me
he talked to me
it was not
what i was hoping for

i was excited
first i'm not sure that it was him
when he looked back at me
then only i knew
that it was him

but he didn't even stop to chat
he was with his friends
and i with mine
i thought 'hey, maybe it's because he was with his friends'
yet it still saddens me

no matter when
if i met my friend
back in highschool
back in junior highschool
or even back in middle school
i will always
revert back to my old self
when i was with them

it is naive of me
to hope that people will think
the same as me
i was hoping
though i should've known
not to get my hopes up

this isn't a poem
but somehow
i want to post it like this
it's because i just read Lang Leav's poem
but anyway


19 November 2013


I think this post would seem too cheesy and...what's the word? yeah, cheesy.

you know, it's not that i want a boyfriend, i absolutely don't mind being single. but, i miss liking a person. talking to my best friend about how cool he looks today and basically every single day. i miss trying to catch a glimpse for that someone, i miss trying to act all cool and composed when i'm around that someone.
i just miss all of that things that make you feel stupid.
but then again
there really seems to be no one in this freaking huge campus that made me have that feeling again.
like, even handsome guys doesn't seem to interest me (well, that's probably because they already have a girlfriend)
and guys in my class (well, maybe not all of them) doesn't seem to have anything... that i find attractive.
let's not talk about appearances because seriously, it's not like i'm even that pretty, but i don't seem to find a guy who likes to make jokes. it feels like they're all trying to look so calm and composed it actually makes me feel grossed.
i don't find guys who listen to, i don't know, Two Door, Arctic Monkeys, KEANE. there really seem to be nothing interesting with guys in my class and surroundings -_-
and most importantly, i NEVER found a guy who READS.
is that common?
is that normal somewhere?
because it seems like no guy in Indonesia likes to read. read novels, poetry, classics, any kind of novel at all. and it saddens me.
like, what the hell did you do for fun? seriously.

oh, and glasses! my personal preference. there's no cool guy in a glasses. none. not even close.
or guy who have good hairstyle, it doesn't have to be a salon cut, but you know.... cool.
and there is absolutely no one who has a nice fashion taste (like the one that i...prefer)
oh and, of course, i prefer older guy so......
i think whoever i found in my class wouldn't interest me anyway lol

this is such an unimportant post, but i really want to share about this.
like, what the hell, bro?
i thought guys in Bandung would be cool and well, cool.

but most than that, i really becoming more interested on finding guy who reads.
that would be like, a dream come true.
especially if he read Harry Potter, Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie's novels. Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Classics novel such as The Great Gatsby, The Catcher in the Rye.
a few days ago i found this text picture on tumblr that say something like 'date a girl who reads because bla bla bla and bla bla bla"
i really could relate to it.
and that is why i become obsessed with actually finding a guy who reads.
my father reads. like, seriously. he's the one who introduced me to Agatha Christie's novels and made me a maniac. he reads novels like the samurai or cowboy country-ish novels. and he is freaking cool. i mean it. my father is smart and hilarious at almost all of the time.
my brother seldom reads, but he used to read too. right now he just reads from e-books. i guess that's cool too. at least he reads. and my brother sense of music, seriously? can anyone know as many bands as he is?
my little brother also reads. although he likes to read weird stuff like '100 greatest inventions' but he also read Diary of a Wimpy Kid (mine, of course) cause he's awesome. my lil bro is even taller than my big bro now, and because he's my little brother, he likes to ask me about fashion kinda stuff. so basically, he looks pretty damn good.

and that is why it makes me even harder to find a guy to like because i am surrounded by these awesome guys in my whole life and i just really have too high standards bro :))))
and look at me, i can't even be attractive even if i tried :))
this turns out to be a depressing post just like all my late posts were.

03 November 2013


I'm thinking of quitting this unit i'm currently in.
it's nothing, really.
but, just as i thought, i'm not good with people.
it's too troublesome, dealing with people.
i feel like, the more people give attention to me, the more i feel like digging myself a hole and never leave it.
don't we all have that one day, one day that makes us feel so worthless, so small, so... i don't know, dejected?
i just had that one day.
maybe it's just me hyper-reacting but right now i really want to shut myself in.
i want to be left alone and just have a moment with myself.
or maybe this is just me missing my mom
or maybe this is just me feeling down because of my exams.
or maybe
just maybe
this is just me running away.

you know, i think i'm the kind of person who could actually fail before i even try.
i sometime wonder do i even know myself.
because it's like i think i'm an ignorant person. but then there are times when people's words could really stabbed me in the chest.
or like i thought i don't ever want to talk to anyone when i'm pissed, but then i will text my best friend.
or like i think i like a person and the next thing i know, i don't even like him/her.

it's like i have a double personality or something -________-
like i said i like ghost stories but at the same time i'm scared of them.
it's all so annoying so i guess this is the right time for me to just quit.
maybe i should stick to what i do best: doing nothing.
maybe it will be better for all humankind.

28 September 2013


It's funny how we could be so wrong about people.
Or we could really see how they truly are just by a month.
I never considered myself as a nice person. No.
I just keep my promises. When i promised something, i keep it.
Even when i have to wait for half an hour or an hour, i'll keep it.
I know that some people are not as mature as, well, me.
But acting like an asshole is not right even if you're a kid.
If we could just cut off our relation with other people, just like with a snap of a finger, oh how i'd love to break it apart.
Not just once.
I can understand if you took credit for what i taught you. I could understand you want to be seen as a smart KID.
But then again, i just want to say, you suck.
Oh please, if you want to stab someone, don't stab them in the back. Just face them head on.
Keep acting like that, it's fine.
It won't change my attitude towards you, i ain't gonna make myself a jackass because of some kid. Nope, i will still just be me.
I will always keep my promises
But fyi, i will never consider backstabber as a friend. Not now, not ever.

Geez, what a kid.

13 August 2013


Seriously, my dad has been spoiling me for these past few days.
He said he wanted to make sure that i have everything i needed before i went to Bandung.
the first thing he bought me is this b-e-a-utiful watch:

Well, I've been asking for the new watch since, like, the National Exam ended. My old magnificent watch has rest in peace. i really love that big watch...

Anyway, and then Dad said there's no way I can use a netbook when I entered Uni, so he bought me this:

It's a 13 inch Macbook Pro with retina display ._.
i seriously can't believe he actually bought it for me (and on the left side of the laptop is a 1 TB external hard disk)
when dad asked me what laptop i wanted he asked like this: 'so, what kind of laptop do you want, Mac?'
i laughed it off cause i don't think he mean it.
and then, of course i asked my genius/freak tech bro's opinion about this matter.
he told me to get Macbook Pro because it's really good for designing and stuffs. i'll need it for my major.
well, so yesterday, we bought it.
and let me tell you this: having a genius/freak tech bro is something i really need to be grateful for.
Mac is seriously a pain in the stomach when you've been using Windows for years.
there's a lot of incompatibility with the whole operating system... you can only Read your external stuffs because most of those stuffs have a Windows system.
anyway, i just leave it my brother's hand, and, VOILA! i can Read & Write my external hard disk, i have Office for Mac, Speed downloader (they haven't make Internet Download Manager for Mac yet) and stuffs... i really am thankful.

and lastly, today i got this:

actually i fell in love with another shoes near this. BUT
sadly, it's for men. and their minimum size is 39 (6 in USA) while my size is 5.
 so in the end i still need to choose from the women.
it's still cool though, this is the coolest in the rack (i think)

but then it all comes to the realisation that i really am going to leave my lil bro and my dad and my mom behind.
i've been thinking about this
and i decided not to cry when we part (well, we're going to see each other soon in December anyway)
because this is my DREAM. i need to show them that i'll treasure this opportunity God has given me.
and i know it's going to be way, way, WAY tougher for me.
God let me in
so He will definitely see me out.
He'll guide me through
that's one thing i know for sure.

i've been packing my stuffs and it's kinda hard. i know i can't bring my whole bedroom, so it's hard... i really need to think this through.
and my novels, oh dude...
i need to choose some (and by 'some' i mean 'very few') novels to bring. there's like three novels already in Bandung, but i would seriously need more.
and the clothes. phew, the clothes......
i literally emptied my wardrobe, lol.

tomorrow i plan to go to Monique's house... we'll see each other in Bandung soon but, well, i can't go without seeing her face first.
Ila and Ciripah can't come. i could definitely still see Ciripah in Bandung, but Ila is staying at Medan so we'll probably see each other less.....
too bad, but, well.. can't help it.
everyone's busy.

I will miss: Mam, Papa, Uli, my desk lamp, my black cat doll from Monique, my guitar replica i got from Bali, the lunchbox i got from Monique, my desk, my notes, my bookcase, my novels!, my bed, my bedcover, my dvds, our fishes, my AC, my bedroom wall............

10 August 2013

Up All Night

Okay, this is really crazy for me. Right now it's 5 AM in the morning and i haven't had even a minute of sleep.
Yesterday morning i had a can of Nescafe Latte. Later around 9 PM we went to a cafe and i ordered a 32oz glass of ice caramel mocchiato. AND THEN i drank (around 11 PM) a tiny carton of Nescafe caramel.
This is the result.
This is like my first time not having a sleep at all.
I watched a movie at 2 AM and then at 4 i tried to sleep but my brain keep talking and making up stories in my head and before i knew it, i could hear my mom is cooking in the kitchen right now.
You know, sleep is such a big deal for me. Really.
Major problem.
Though now i know why a cup or glass of coffee won't have any effect on me. It's because i need THREE (glass, carton and can).
Maybe this is good for future references. Because i clearly won't be getting that much sleep in uni life.
But dude! DUDE.
i'll probably drop dead asleep during mid day but well....
This is... Something.
I really can't sleep.
This is the first time coffee had an effect on me.
My mind kept on running like on a marathon.
I don't even think i make any sense right now, but this is a big deal.
My record was 2 AM. It never get past that.
And right now i don't have any sleep.
I tried sleeping, God knows i did.
Man, this is.....

20 July 2013

I'm a sucker for cute stuffs.

I don't even realized it myself, but i guess i've been collecting cute stuffs for quite a while....
The 'cute' stuffs in my category might be quite...... different though.
I like collecting papers, cute notebooks... To put it simply, stationery stuffs....?
I don't even use those notebooks i bought.
I just keep them on my desk's drawer.
I also like collecting boxes....
I know, it's really odd
Anyway today i went to Gramedia, a bookstore, and got lost in an awe.
There's a sale of notebooks (for school) and memos..
Anyway i got caught in the notebook stall.
everything is so cute.. The coverrr *love*
But the inside is pretty much....usual?
Anyway before i realized it, i've picked 4 notebooks
But then i came to my sense (more like, i just realized that i'm going to pay with my own money) so in the end i only bought one.
It's hard to pick which one, but since i'm a loyal person, i bought the blue one.
It's more simple than the rest but simple is good, right?
Anywaay i really can't stand cute stuffs, ya knoww~
I'm a sucker for cute stuffs
I'm also a sucker for antique stuffs (like old books)
I bought a very old book yesterday, it's very cheap.
Though the cover is....not really readable anymore, but the inside is still pretty good.
I don't really know the story but i bought it since the genre is Mystery.
Turns out it was a series *sigh*
I think i might just try to make it my new collection...but i need to finish my Agatha Christie's first... I just bought another 4 of her novels. So my Agatha Christie's novel has reached 71!!! Woo hoo!
I think i want to talk about something else too, but i forgot -_-
Well, i guess i'll post it when it came back to my mind.

10 July 2013


You could say it's a little bit late
and maybe it's annoying for me to keep saying about this stuff.
i know that some of my friends failed the test
and you may think that it's an insensitive or rude of me but
for me this is one step closer to my dream.
of course i'll be talking about this a LOT.

so anyhooo~

i got accepted to my dream university, Institute of technology Bandung.
to my dream major, Architecture
to my dream city, Bandung.

i think i've been dreaming about this since i was in junior high school.
i dreamt of getting to SMAN3 Bandung, the perfect high school (i think at that moment).
i took the test
and i failed.
i was devastated.
i thought that SMAN3 Bandung is the only way to enter ITB.
i thought that because i failed the test, i won't be able to continue my dream.

and then i went to Sutomo High School in Medan.
it was..... terrible.
i don't like the town, i don't like the environment, i don't think i could find anything that i'd like from that school.
but then, of course, i got used to it.
i found one thing that made me sane, that is my best friends.
okay, i kinda get out of tracks...

anyway, suddenly i'm a third year.
i start thinking about my dream again. and maybe i wasn't that hopeless as i thought i was.
right from the moment i entered third year, i went to cram school.
it started with 2 days a week. and ever since Jan it become 3 days a week.
after the national exam it became every single day except Sunday. oh wait, we have try out on Sunday, so, yeah, everyday.
my Try Out results never reached the goal. i NEVER passed the Try Out.
i did panicked.

and then the examination days arrived.
the first day, i thought i did it quite well.
out of 75 questions on Academic Potential Test i did around 35.
when i asked my friends, some of them could actually answered 50.
i was devastated.
although i answered all the questions in English and Indonesian Language (15 questions each) but i only answered 6 (out of 15 too) on Math.

and then the second day really made me down.
out of 15 questions each, i only answered:
Math Science - 6
Physics - 5
Biology - 6
Chemistry - 7
and i'm not even confident that they're all correct.
i cried after the exam.
i said to my mom, "mom, would it be okay if i didn't pass?"
it was terrible.

even after that, i tried another exam from private university in Bandung and though i passed, it's not the major that i wanted. i was going to take another exam on 21st of July, i already signed up.
my parents already supported me to take the test on the 21st.
i even tried to prepare.

on the day of the result, i checked it later than my cousin who's waiting on the result too on purpose.
just as i thought, he passed.
though it was his 3rd choice, but he still passed.
that made me even more not wanting to check on my result.
i really have surrendered everything to God.
and i even prayed to Him about stuff like, "please let me be strong enough to accept no matter what the result You gave me."
"please help me to understand that you'll always give me the best."
and now i'm embarrassed that i had a doubt on my God.
He's the almighty.
well after i checked the result and i passed, i started shaking and finally cried.
while crying, i called my mom. she's still on her way home with dad.
she thought i failed because i was crying.
well i told her that i passed.
after that i prayed to God and said three words over and over again. 'thank you Lord'
when she arrived home, she hugged me. and we cried together. lol.
it was epic
the joy..

nobody believed i could pass, not even myself.
even after a few days i still couldn't really believe that i passed.
i know it's still a long way to my dream.
but yeah, turns out i passed for the public university of my dream.

i'm ashamed of myself for not having that much faith.
i look back at my birthday wishes from my friends, most of them said this 'hope you pass in ITB.' 'all the best for ITB.' and stuff like that
and it hit me.
i guess it's all because of their prayer and wishes and my tiny hope that God let me enter.
i just can't say Thank you enough to everyone.
but i really want to say it.

and maybe i'll get lost along the way
but this. i hope this will always pull me back to the right track.
this feeling of gratitude...

20 May 2013

Let It Slide

"It's time to draw the line
To draw the fire
Why'd you never know?
The time to let go
The time to move aside
To let it slide"

So, today I decided to see my story from a third-person point of view.
Sometimes we get excited for nothing simply because we thought it means something.
Anyway, what happened today made me think that I need to see things from a different point of view.
Today he really moved to our building, along with all of my other friends.
During recess, I accompany Ciripah to buy drinks and snacks.
When we got back to our building, I already saw him from afar. He's just with one other friend (whom I know). Let's just say this dude like Ciripah.
Well, since I noticed them already, I walked behind Ciripah. And Mr.H too was walking behind this dude.
so this dude (I guess it's really rude for me to keep calling him 'this dude', but too many names involved would be a problem) greeted us.
"Hai Zeniva, Hai Irene.." begitulah
terus gw bales, sambil senyum lah pastinya "Haaaaaaaiii..."
dan gw ngeliet ke arah dia juga kan sekalian. dan dia jg senyum (walau gak tau senyum ke siapa)

dan yeah, gitu doang. makanya gw bilang gw mencoba melihatnya dari sudut pandang orang ketiga.
emang gak ada apa-apa.
dan sepertinya gak bakal terjadi apa-apa.

this time, i really think i should just let it slide.
it's been fun and exciting, but this is as much as i could take.
it's going nowhere.
how could i not know that?
i guess i know, but i keep on hoping that there's something more beneath all of this.
like, sometime, i think about why he never changes his bag. i said to myself that he ought to have another bag and so why does he keep on wearing that bag. it's not in a very good condition anymore anyway.
but then
it is not impossible for him not to have any other bag. i mean, my brother too, only wore the same bag over and over again.
I'm the one who keep on making excuses.
I'm the one who keep on wearing the same bag as him though i have lots of other bags.
I guess it's just human nature, to keep on hoping on something based on their wildest imagination.
but right now, it hurts.
since i really really really open my eyes this time. 

Friend, there's nothing there
You're clinging on to air
You're reaching back
To something that

You never had

So, yeah, please wish me luck. this is embarrassing... i think i'm just desperate.

therefore, i'll just focus on studying.
i will not let my feelings rise.
not again.

16 May 2013

"Kalo jodoh gak kemana"

Seriously, that sentence...

Terakhir kali gw ngerasa begini tuh waktu les yang masuk ke semester 2.
waktu jadwal gw udah beda sama si Mr. H
tapi terus dia pindah hari les jadi sama kyk...well, gw.

nah kali ini
(hampir sama seperti) hal itu terjadi lagi.

jadi tadi gw diskusi berdua doang sama temen gw si ines (yg sekelas sama Mr. H)
nah ya begitu aja sebenernya gw ga pernah bakal menyangka bahwa dia bisa menjadi sumber "berita" gw.
jadi sebelum kami diskusi ya kami ngobrol2 aja lah kan dulu
dan ines cerita banyaaaak ttg kelas nya (terutama Mr. H)
jadi kayak tadi tuh mrk pelajaran bahasa inggris kan tp kyk ga belajar gt jadinya soalnya tentor mrk harus ngajar ke kls lain lagi, jd mereka ditinggalin gitu deh.
jadi Mr.H sama 3 org cowok yg lain (yg somehow sekarang jadi dkt bgt sama Mr.H) pindah duduk ke depan, dan mereka nyanyi2....................
nyanyi2 ga jelas gitu................
ada yg ngetok2 meja, terus beatbox lah... dan Mr.H ikut nyanyi2...............................................
i am actually really really really sad since i couldn't see that side of him.
i mean, back in my old class, he's not really that "loud" and you know, playful....
and then ines told me that the boys now like to play futsal after cram school.
and that when this Indonesian tentor that we really don't like (since he's so strict and all) teaches in their class, Mr.H whose seat are in the first row would move to the back along with his new friend because they don't like that tentor.
it's sooooooooo heartwarming to hear ines' story.
while we're talking like that, i actually thought that Mr.H has went home/futsal but turns out he hasn't. he was having lunch with Teddy.

but the big surprise came later.

ines suddenly told me like this: "Ren, kelas kami bakal dipindah loh."
me: "hah, dipindah gmn nes maksudmu?"
ines: "iya kami pindah ke tempat kalian ini. tapi di ruang 7. dimana itu ruang 7?"
me: "hmm gaktau jg sih aku, keknya yg di belakang sana. is enak kali kalo kalian disitu, bang Jeffry sering masuk situ."
ines: "oh iya nya?"
me: "kok bisa dipindahin gitu nes?"
ines: "aku pun gak tau ren. kelas kami emang lumayan banyak, 24 orang gitu. tapi yang masuk itu paling 11 orang. paling banyak pun 15 orang. kami mulai disana nanti hari Senin ren."

and then........


gw bener2 udah ga tau mau ngomong apa lagi.
yg muncul di kepala gw ya tiba2 kalimat yg jd judul post ini aja. gw gatau lagi.gatau lagi.

15 May 2013

Late realization

After i went home from cram school today,
there's one thing that has been stuck in my mind.
it's because of one thing that ciripah said
it was when we were waiting in front of the gate, like usual..
he's already out and has been sitting in his usual spot.
and then all my friends from my school who are now in different classes than me, came to me and ciripah's building.
and we talked and talked still in front of the gate.

begitu gw sama ciripah berdiri kan, dia ngeliet ya ke arah kami. terus ciripah langsung bilang
"omak ren, dia ngeliet ke sini"
trus aku bilang lah "iya cir, aku tau"
dan akhirnya ciripah mengerti kalo tatapan si Mr.H itu selama ini begimana.

nah jadi kan gw td sesak pipis bgt asli ga boong. tp trs kamar mandi di bangunan kami gak ada air ugh...
jadi gw mnt tolong sama temen gw yg kelasnya tuh di bangunannya si Mr.H buat nemenin ke wc mrk aja...
jadi ya
gw ngelewatin Mr.H dengan kawan2nya yg lagi duduk di motor mrk masing2.
sejujurnya gw pengen ngomong ke cowok yg kemaren gw pinjem catatannya itu. soalnya dia jg ada disitu. bahkan ada temen cowok gw yg gw kenal itu. tapi...
gila gw ga sanggup. gw jalan aja cepet2 ke wc sama tmn gw, ngelewatin mrk. gw ga ngeliet ke arah mrk sama sekali.
pas balik kan
si ciripah bilang kalo si Mr.H ngelietin ke arah mrk berdiri aja teruss

and it hit me

what if

he likes my friend?

what if

he actually likes ciripah? it really wasn't a big surprise
since ciripah is really pretty and there're a lot of guy who likes her

what if

maybe even if it's not ciripah, what if someone from my school.
we used to be in the same class back then in first semester, so it's not really impossible

what if

he has been looking at me because, idk, say, he want to actually ask something about my friend that he likes?

what if

what if


i seriously need to get a mirror.
maybe he hasn't been looking at me these whole time.

these 'what if's could seriously kill me.

14 May 2013

i give myself too many credits.

honestly, i've been wanting to post this since last sunday but can't help it, i'm too busy studying (lol)

on Sunday, we had our second day of Try Out (the result is out, but i haven't looked at it)
and anyway, i'm not talking about the test.
so, when i got out from the class, he was already sitting in his usual place across the street. he wore kemeja ohmaigot. i can't even.. he wore grey kemeja and well, you guys know how much i LOVE guys  with kemeja and shoes. he wore white shoes.
one thing about his clothes though, i actually about to wore my grey kemeja too on that day. but i figured it might be too gloomy. so i wore the orange one instead. oh and he wore long-sleeve by the way.
gw yakin gw terlalu pede. and guys, i have a very high imagination. you need to keep up with me.
it's not really something too crazy, just a little bit.
waktu dia duduk di depan itu kan, gw otomatis ngeliatin dia aja. dan dari waktu ke waktu, dia natap gw balik. dan bukan cuman sekilas lewat gitu. like, actually stared at me. gw langsung buang muka tiap dia ngeliat ke arah gw. nah krn gw sama ciripah sama2 belom di jemput, jadi kan gw mau nemenin ciripah ke depan utk ngeliat mana tau abangnya jemput kesitu, jadi yowes kami jalan. (gw udah geer bgt berharap kalo dia tuh duduk di dpn itu krn gw jg blm plg. i know, geer banget kan) dan pas kami ud ke dpn ternyata abangnya blm dtg, kami balik lg.
dan si Mr. H udah di motor nya siap2 plg. gw (geer lagi) merasa dia ngeliat gw kyk kaget gt. kayak 'loh gajadi pulang' gitu deh. iya, silahkan muntah.
jadi. kawan2nya udah pada balik tuh. tp dia masih ttp aja di dpn pagar duduk di motornya.
dia ngeliet gw. lagi. ntah utk yg keberapa kalinya. dan setelah akhirnya dia menunggu semua teman2nya pulang, baru dia pulang.

hari ini.
makanya gmn coba gw berusaha utk tidak geer kalo begini trs jadinya.

jadi biasanya kan dia ga pernah keluar tuh kalo istirahat tp td dia keluar. dan dia pake begini:

sedangkan gw yg awalnya mau pake begini:

tp krn rasa percaya diri gw ga setinggi itu, gajadi dah. gw jd begini:

baru pertama kali deh dia pake celana pendek. asli gw ga boong. 
dan even though he wore sandals, he still looked fakin supah.
jadi kan ya gw kaget aja ngeliet dia tp yowes udah gitu aja.
pas pulang.
nasib gw sama becak emang tidak begitu bagus. jadi jam 11 gw telp tukang becak gw (gw udah keluar dr 10.45) dan dia baru mau berangkat. bad luck (or is it?)
jadi 30 menitan gitu kata uwak becaknya dia baru sampe. okelah kan
nah gw emang udah berencana mau minjem catatan temen cewek gw (namanya ines) yg sekelas sama Mr.H ini. tp terus dia bilang catatannya krg lengkap, jd pinjem sama kawannya yg lain aja yg lengkap.
oh yowes, gw ga masalah. jd gw ikt lah sama dia ke kelasnya.
gw berdiri di pintu aja. asli ga sanggup liat begitu ke dalem. untung tmpt duduk Mr.H agak belakang gitu.
tp teruss.. kawan cowok gw yg duduk di depan Mr.H manggil pulak. jadi gw terpaksa melongokkan kepala ke dalam.
dan betul aja.
dia disitu.
dan dia dr td kepalanya udah menghadap ke gw. jadi begitu gw ngeliet ke dalem,
langsung dia.
PPPPPSSSSSHHHHHHH (some kind of boiling sound)
eniwei betewe abis itu si ines balik. jd ya gw nyebrang lagi ke tmpt gw dan menunggu dengan sabar.
dia kluar ga lama setelah itu.
dan duduk
dan ngadep ke arah gw
dan gw mati
berkali2 eye contact
dan gw tuh ud nahan supaya ga tersenyum atau teriak. karena demi apa rambutnya itu acak2an dan itu. sangat. ganteng.
sampe dia udah make helm dan duduk di motor nya jg.
kayak, gerak dikit, stared at me, gerak dikit, stared at me.

di becak selama perjalanan pulang, gw senyum trs kyk orgil.

11 May 2013


Thank you God for another year.
for another year i could spend with my family and friends.
thank you for all the people you put in my life,
for all the time we could spend together.
i am glad to have friends that have mutual feelings with me.
we may not chat that often, hell, we may only talk when it's my birthday or theirs
but anyway anyhow, all those wishes... they mean so much to me.
i realized now that the most important thing is the wishes though.. the sincere feeling you got from them. the fact that in 365 days of their life they could remember a day that is so important to me.
i really think that it's the most wonderful feeling in the world.
i'm just glad to be surrounded by these people

and todaaaaaay is special.. every day should be special though.. but anywaay
my mom and lil bro tried to make a surprise for me but it undergoes quite an epic failure..
but it's really cute.. and the cake, the cake though... it's so cute i don't even think i could eat it..
and then well, i had my try out in cram school.. i actually arrived late but it went quite well i guess..
and theeen i went out to the mall with ciripah and we met monik and dilla there.
it's my first time meeting dilla in person but it's really fun.. no awkward thingy and all (okay maybe there was just  a little)
it's really fun though we didn't actually do anything. we just wandering around the mall and sit and wander and sit...
monik's gift is really cute.. it's a lunch box nik, it's stated on the box lol..
well, here are some pictures we took todayy~

well okay i should probably study for tomorrow's TO ~_~
wish me luck! bzzzt

10 May 2013


i'm getting older in a few more hours i decided to, well, saying a 'resolution' seems exaggerated but it's something like that.
seriously these past few days i've been drowning myself in a 'pool' of comics.. and somehow all of them depressed me too much. why can't there be any guys like in those comics.
or even movies..
i know, i know, i set my standards too high and it's impossible to find that kind of guy in the real world.
but you know, i always thought that it doesn't matter to have high standards
like they say, it's better to be alone for the rest of your life than being with a bad company.
i know it's not like i'm that pretty or all.. blame those novels and comics and movies for making me having that kind of standards.. what kind of standards? well, you will most definitely laugh, but here goes some of them:

  • wear glasses (well, this is actually a very stupid preference, but i guess guy with glasses is super cool)
  • smiles a lot
  • love kids
  • nice voice (what?)
  • speaks British accent (well, this is definitely impossible)
  • movie addict
  • coffee lover
  • i hope he likes fish
  • humorist
  • same taste in music (this is definitely important)
  • older
weeeeell, that's some of that. the rest are so embarrassing lol
okay, so you already know why it's impossible for me to actually find a guy that matches all of those points..
but in the end i know the one that we love will always be an exception.
i still think that it will be very nice to find someone who... we always dreamed of, craved for..
and the more i try to calm myself that it's alright, the more i worry that i might actually never going to find 'the one'.
it sucks to see that most of my friends right now have a boyfriend/girlfriend (but i'm not talking about her in case any of you are wondering, duh i'm not a little bit jealous of her and her pansy bf) and being lovey-dovey and all, while i'm still here.. haven't even found the one i truly like.
i actually 'fall in like' really fast... of course the one that attracts me most of the time was their style.. i like people who have nice aura.. and after that, it will be the appearances.
but it's not love, i guess not even close. because if it is really love i think i would actually do something. like, really, something! like talk to him or you know..
the fact that i never actually tried to do something was probably because of that stupid standard. i'm afraid that if i get closer to the person i like, i begin to like them the way they are, and it's like i betrayed my own self.
it just feels like those standards are the promises i made to myself to say that 'you deserve the best' to myself
i'm a coward, i know, you may rub it in my face.
i want to experience love like in those movies and comics, yet i never even tried.

well that's actually because of my other motto.
which is girl shouldn't be the one to initiate something. it should be guys. it has always been like that in the past, so i don't want to change it now.
they say girls need to be more aggressive since there're more girls than guys in this world. girls shouldn't just wait.
i think if a boy likes you, then he should do something. we can only give them the signs. and if they never tried, maybe they don't like you at all.
that's why i always get depressed, i guess.. because of all the guys that i felt in like with, none of them actually try to, well, talk to me. that's why i always say depressing stuffs like 'nobody likes me' 'forever alone' and stuffs like that.

and being like this, being this kind of stubborn girl and having that much of a standard while i don't really have anything to offer is just pathetic.
nobody likes pathetic person.
i am this kind of person.
i set up standards, and i'll ran away if you didn't fit the standards.
i'm also a very labile person.
i could be happy from morning to the afternoon, but after that i might got pissed off with i don't even know why.
a person who could actually accept all my moods, and be patient with me, that is actually what i want.
the one that won't leave me, cause eventually everybody leaves me.
don't tell me i'm wrong, because i'm the one who experienced it.
my friends which i always thought would be my 'bffs' actually don't need me anymore. they already forgot about me.
when i was in junior high, i thought i have a lot of bffs. but now? the people i could actually count to be my bffs are only 4 people. 2 of them are not in Medan with me. we never chat everyday or anything like that, but when we do, it's like we never stopped talking. the other 2 are still right here by my side. i don't know what will happen in the future, but i definitely won't let them go.
those four people i guess are the only one that could accept all of my fucked up moods and attitude and still loves me.
i love you guys...

and soooooooo
this has been really depressing. i won't cry since tomorrow is my.. pfttt-
anyway, bubyee~ have fun with your life..

07 May 2013


It's been a whole month since my last post lol..
i'm way too free these kind of days so i'll probably be posting quite regularly again..
i'm sorry for not replying ira's and farah's comment on my last post.. i just noticed it today dan udah basi utk dibalas skrg wkwk.. sori men..

well, first of all~ i'm going to get a year older again pretty soon..
i can't say that i'm proud of myself.. but well, i don't hate myself anyway..
the past month i guess there's quite a lot of things going on..
some loss, and pretty less winning.
but i really could learn to let go now..
i guess i just realized that it's just the way things are..
we need to let them go.. the good memories will always be remembered but since it won't happened again, we shouldn't dwell on the past..
i lost a very dear uncle.. and well.... i lost fishie.
i'm still not ready to talk about the last mentioned above.. it still hurts.. and i might cry (for i don't know how many times already)
so, yeah, maybe sometime not real soon..

and about love life (of course i'm going to talk about this)
soooo... now is the intensive study system in my cram school.. and to put it simply, i'm not in the same class as him anymore...
i really don't know what happened to the administrative office, since my old friends are all in the same class.. only me and ciripah and two other people got kicked out from our old class -___-" (well, actually there are others getting kicked even more away...) but anyway...
so, that's that.
i guess i really never saw this coming so i was quite taken aback.
though his, well, 'building' is across the street but still, not the same class, not even in the same building..
so it becomes quite rare for me to see him.. he always (i guess) arrived late while i'm always on time. he got out from the class reaaaaally long.. while i always got out of the class ASAP
so yeah....
quite heartbroken but well, maybe it's for the best.
and anyway if it really meant to be, there has to be another way around..
i am not getting my hopes up..
since my self-esteem is very very very low...
and i can't help to be mesmerized every time i saw him looking all handsome and flawless.
i'm just me and i don't think i could actually be anyone's type.
so, lol, it's really impossible for anything to actually sprout from this total one-sided admiration.
i'll just stick to studying and having fun with friends (all that i have left) and having fun with myself..

i'm in the middle of experimenting with my appearance wkwkwk... since i can't really do anything with my face, and my hair is helpless.. i shall be doing it via clothes.. so i don't mind people's stare or even judgement they can judge anything they want with the way i wear my clothes.. but they certainly won't be getting any damn attention from me..


24 March 2013

An irritating change

Sooo aloha and may God bless you!
Today i really need to let out my emotions, so pardon my languange.
We all have that one friend that changes after like, say, they have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Sometimes even before they have an actual relationship.
So first of all, though this may look one-sided, this is how i really feel.
I guess i'm just an old-fashioned person but i take friendship as a serious matter.
When i become friends with you, i will try my best to mantain that relationship. And i, too, will try my best to accept the other party the way they are.
That's why i expect the other party to do so, too. I am hoping too much i guess.
Small things that seems unimportant, i would like to know that too, if you want to share it.
Because i will talk to you from the most unimportant stuff in my life to the most important thing when i considered we are good friends.
I thought it was only in movies that (in my condition) boys could ruin girls' friendship. But it's true enough. And the most irritating thing is that i can't do anything about it.
But here's the truth, i don't like that guy and so i don't think i can support you liking that guy. He seems to me like a pansy.
A fucked up pansy.
I can be fake, really, all this time i've been faking the fact that i don't want to know any stupid crappy updates on your relationship with that guy,
But now i can't even fake it anymore.
I really wanna puke.
And the truth is i really hate it when you say meaningless sentence like you want us to ask more about it. Oh, please!
And those tweets!!! Oh my gosh,
Calm down you blockheaded people.
Jijik tau ga sih ngeliat kalian RT2an ga jelas di twitter.
You guys are the reason i am fed up on twitter, thank you very much.
It's like this whole world is yours.
Well, do take it. I don't feel like being a part of your world anymore anyway.
I do think i'm not good with a crybaby person and a person who can't take their own choices, a person who is not mature enough.
I am not mature, but at least i'm not a crybaby and i do think friendship is above all (after family of course)
Keseeeeeel sebanget2nya
Kalo bs pengen rasanya ga usah bertatap muka lg, biar gw ga usah berakting trs
Ga enaknya hubungan di dunia ini tuh ga bs kangsung kyk "poof" ilang begitu aja
Sayang bgt..

10 March 2013

taste of music

you know, one thing i really miss from my old school back in the neighbouring country is the people's taste of music.
i know having a friend does not always mean having the same taste of music. it does not work like that. and i really don't have any problem hanging out with my friends who really don't know, like, any band that i like.
they don't know Good Charlotte, Arctic Monkeys, Blink 182, and even Keane!
i know what kind of music they listen to. rae japsen (i really don't know how to spell her first name), bruno, taylor swift and all of that.
and sure, it used to be no problem at all.
but the more i got sucked into bands i love, the more i feel like i really need somebody who knows these bands. The Strokes, Two Door Cinema Club, The Kooks, i don't know, Green Day, Linkin Park, anything!
it's really depressing, not having anyone to share your passion with. the more i think about it, the more i feel sick and wants to be left alone. at least outside of this town i'm sure there are guys who know about some of those bands.
here? there's only one guy that i know in my school who knows Keane.
others sure have "better" taste in music.
i always thought my big bro is over-reacting if a guy likes boyband or solo singer like bruno mars.
but now?
oh gosh, i really could understand his point of view.
it just doesn't feel right if a boy doesn't listen to a band.
real band.
the one with guitar, bass, drums, piano and stuff.
not the one with autotuned song, pretty guys, screaming girl fans.
ugh. it's nauseating.
i really. need. someone with better sense of music.
i'm sure i won't find any in this town.
that gives me more reason to leave this stupid town.
doesn't matter the fact that this town is my hometown.
it's rotten. the government, the people. i don't even know why anyone sane would want to live here.
call it whatever you want, but if you have seen better towns and actually lived in better town than this stupid town, i'm sure you would think the same thing as i do.
hate is a strong word, but i really really really hate this town.

not a good place to live.
not a good place to spend your childhood (which i'm glad i did not).
not even a good place for vacation!
i don't know what this town is good for.

31 January 2013


It's depressing, right? It's been a while since my last post, and the first thing i write is about negativity.
For some of you who doesn't know me that good, i shall tell you that i'm quite a labile person.
Throughout the day my mood was nice, until just a few hours ago, i got depressed.
Heaven knows what's gotten into me.
I just feels like a loser.
Nothing to be proud of.
Nothing to be noticed by.
I guess, i don't know, maybe i'm just tired.
Tiba2 aja gt ngerasa ga pede, ga bersemangat, ga mau bersosialisasi dulu.
Ntahlah, mungkin begitu gw bangun dr tidur besok, perasaan ini bakal ilang. Tapi, mungkin jg semakin parah -_-
Di saat begini, gw cuman pengen tidur seharian. Menjauh dari keramaian, melupakan sekolah, UN, SBMPTN, dll, dsb.
Rasanya terlalu banyak yg dipikirkan, terlalu banyak orang yg harus disenangi.
Ironis bahwa di saat seperti ini, yg bs membuat gw tersenyum dr hati lagi hanyalah fishie.
Senang rasanya kalo ada yg tidak melihat kita dengan cara yg berbeda walau apapun yg terjadi pada kita di hari ini. Senang rasanya melihat sesuatu yg tetap di kala semua berubah. Senang rasanya bisa berhenti berpura2.
Berpura2 senang, berpura2 santai, berpura2 bahwa semuanya tidak apa2.
Orang2 yg kita harus pikirkan. Itu sebenarnya yg membuat paling capek, kalo menurut gw.
Belom cukup mikirin diri sendiri, orang tua, keluarga, teman2, org luar jg harus dipikirin? Makanya gw orangnya (mungkin) bs dianggap sombong, padahal jujur aja nih, gw hanya awkward. Gw ga bs bersosialisasi. Dan gw ga suka.
Kalo gw suka sama lo, gw bs nyerocos non stop ttg apapun, tapi kalo gw ga kenal ama lo, otomatis gw ga bs.
Dan gw heran.
Enggak semua pertanyaan itu perlu jawaban.
"Kenapa gini?", "kenapa begitu?", "kok gak ini?", "ada apa?"
Capeeeeeeek woy gw jawabnya.
Apa sekarang gw udah ga berhak mengambil keputusan apapun?
Oke gw tau, mungkin itu cara org menunjukkan rasa pedulinya.
Tapi, bro, give me a break. The man needs some privacy.
I need privacy.
I don't like being surrounded by a lot of people who doesn't even care about my existence.

11 January 2013

Surprise, surprise..

I told you on my last post about the guy in my cram school.
Guess what, he DID have different days from mine.
Mine are tuesday, thursday and saturday while his were monday, wednesday and friday.
Well when i went to the class on Tuesday, sure enough, he was not there. Quite dissapointed, i was. But anyway i already saw this coming.
But then the pleasant surprise came on thursday.
I really have given up all hope that i'd be able to see him again. And one more time when the attendance list was being passed around, i didn't saw his name.
I sat on the second row on the left side only with ciripah.
And then recess came.
Me and ciripah sat for a little longer until the whole class is only 4 people left including us.
We are still not comfortable with our new class, though almost half of it is from our old classmate.
When we have reached the door, i suddenly turned around.
I saw his bag (me and him have the same bag by the way). My heart really went crazy.
I grabbed ciripah's hand and made her look at that bag.
I guess she just don't want me to get my hopes up since we did not see his name on the attendance, so she said maybe someone else have the same bag.
Well that is possible
But at that time i got my hope up a little bit,
But then again, when we went out, he's not on his usual seat. There's this "chair" that he and his friends would sit, it's near a tree wkwkwk...
So by that time, my hope really lost.
We were about to buy some snacks but there are a lot of people, i mean guys, over there that we decided to went back inside.
When the lesson starts again, my hope came back. And whenever the door opened up, i looked back.
I think it's like the fourth of fifth time when the door opened up that he finally showed up.
I am not wrong. It really is his bag.
I cannot believe my eyes, though it really happened.

Still, better not get my hopes up, cause maybe he just went to that class as a make-up class when he didn't come on monday (my friend said that).

Though he's quite bald now...............................

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