Gratitude

You could say it's a little bit late
and maybe it's annoying for me to keep saying about this stuff.
i know that some of my friends failed the test
and you may think that it's an insensitive or rude of me but
for me this is one step closer to my dream.
of course i'll be talking about this a LOT.

so anyhooo~

i got accepted to my dream university, Institute of technology Bandung.
to my dream major, Architecture
to my dream city, Bandung.

i think i've been dreaming about this since i was in junior high school.
i dreamt of getting to SMAN3 Bandung, the perfect high school (i think at that moment).
i took the test
and i failed.
i was devastated.
i thought that SMAN3 Bandung is the only way to enter ITB.
i thought that because i failed the test, i won't be able to continue my dream.

and then i went to Sutomo High School in Medan.
it was..... terrible.
i don't like the town, i don't like the environment, i don't think i could find anything that i'd like from that school.
but then, of course, i got used to it.
i found one thing that made me sane, that is my best friends.
okay, i kinda get out of tracks...

anyway, suddenly i'm a third year.
i start thinking about my dream again. and maybe i wasn't that hopeless as i thought i was.
right from the moment i entered third year, i went to cram school.
it started with 2 days a week. and ever since Jan it become 3 days a week.
after the national exam it became every single day except Sunday. oh wait, we have try out on Sunday, so, yeah, everyday.
my Try Out results never reached the goal. i NEVER passed the Try Out.
i did panicked.

and then the examination days arrived.
the first day, i thought i did it quite well.
out of 75 questions on Academic Potential Test i did around 35.
when i asked my friends, some of them could actually answered 50.
i was devastated.
although i answered all the questions in English and Indonesian Language (15 questions each) but i only answered 6 (out of 15 too) on Math.

and then the second day really made me down.
out of 15 questions each, i only answered:
Math Science - 6
Physics - 5
Biology - 6
Chemistry - 7
and i'm not even confident that they're all correct.
i cried after the exam.
i said to my mom, "mom, would it be okay if i didn't pass?"
it was terrible.

even after that, i tried another exam from private university in Bandung and though i passed, it's not the major that i wanted. i was going to take another exam on 21st of July, i already signed up.
my parents already supported me to take the test on the 21st.
i even tried to prepare.

on the day of the result, i checked it later than my cousin who's waiting on the result too on purpose.
just as i thought, he passed.
though it was his 3rd choice, but he still passed.
that made me even more not wanting to check on my result.
i really have surrendered everything to God.
and i even prayed to Him about stuff like, "please let me be strong enough to accept no matter what the result You gave me."
"please help me to understand that you'll always give me the best."
and now i'm embarrassed that i had a doubt on my God.
He's the almighty.
well after i checked the result and i passed, i started shaking and finally cried.
while crying, i called my mom. she's still on her way home with dad.
she thought i failed because i was crying.
well i told her that i passed.
after that i prayed to God and said three words over and over again. 'thank you Lord'
when she arrived home, she hugged me. and we cried together. lol.
it was epic
the joy..

nobody believed i could pass, not even myself.
even after a few days i still couldn't really believe that i passed.
i know it's still a long way to my dream.

but yeah, turns out i passed for the public university of my dream.

i'm ashamed of myself for not having that much faith.
i look back at my birthday wishes from my friends, most of them said this 'hope you pass in ITB.' 'all the best for ITB.' and stuff like that
and it hit me.
i guess it's all because of their prayer and wishes and my tiny hope that God let me enter.
i just can't say Thank you enough to everyone.
but i really want to say it.

and maybe i'll get lost along the way
but this. i hope this will always pull me back to the right track.
this feeling of gratitude...