12 May 2016

People do stupid things when they're in love

I heard those phrases often enough that i wonder how human brain actually works

The thing is, i think some people misunderstood the phrase and it pushes them to an extremely disturbing relationship
I think when people are in love the things they consider stupid are stupid for the fact that they have never encountered them before
It does not mean you should stick with someone who abuses you in a relationship or simply doesn't treat you right because you THINK you love them
That is not what the term 'stupid' means
At least that's what i think

Why do people let other people hurt them and still think that they're a good person?
Here's the fact:
I don't like being hurt and i thought other people feels the same, like it's a basic human emotion thingy
Yeah sure i know there are all sorts of people out there and some of them calls themself a masochist but
I still think that they don't actually want to get hurt hurt

At least i believe people has something like defense mechanism inside their brain somewhere
Whether it's for physical pain or mental pain

I honestly does not like being hurt
Like physically or mentally
Both has the same amount of pain to me
And being a coward such as me, i chose to run away from the people that might hurt me
The problem with that is i never know what lies on the other side
When you want to get something you might face all sorts of blunders but the reward you'll get at the end of the day is what keeps you going

The thing with love is: you don't know whether there'll be a 'reward' or if it's just gonna be a road full of pure pain

You don't know whether after all those desperate attempts it's going to be worth it
And so i have always choose the painless journey
The boring and calming journey
And i have never regret my decision of chosing them, at least not so far..
If it's about career i know i'll always have God at my side so i could still go on through all those rocky roads
But love...?

Maybe it's my mental age talking but i still don't see the need for me to be commited to another human being and spent most of my time with them
Like i just want to sleep and read and watch and enjoy my solitary in peace with a constant interruption from my family and friends

I honestly think this is not such a terrible way to live. Sure, it might be boring. But i like being boring. To the point where when people ask me what am i going to do this weekend they already have an answer on the back of their head

Ah, i bet she's going to spend the rest of the weekend reading and slacking around the house

22 February 2016

Tearful Pray

The rain pours down as we leave the hospital.

It started out as a drizzle then it turns heavy the closer we got to home.

I cried at the hospital and I cried again on our way home, hiding my face so no one can see.

I entered the ICU by myself this morning.
There are hoses everywhere. Several monitors. Ompung's eyes are closed.
I walk closer to his right side. I can feel tears welled up in my eyes.
I hold his hand, now so thin and fragile. I tighten my grasp.
And then slowly ompung opens his eyes.

I greeted him.

He keeps on staring at the ceiling.
I caress his right hand.
And then I start massaging ompung's leg.

Suddenly, ompung coughed.
Ompung looks like he's in a lot of pain trying to cough.
One of the monitor's light turn red for a second, then orange, then neutral again.
I panicked. I called the nurse but the nurse did not seem to hear my choked up voice.
I move closer to ompung again.

This time I whispered to him that my brothers send their wishes, they hope ompung will get well soon.
Ompung still look straight up, but his eyes become teary.
At that moment I couldn't held my tears any longer. I returned to his legs and start massaging it again. Left, right, left, right.
And then entered my aunt.

You have no idea how emotional I get when my aunt enter. She came in and start whispering all sort of soothing words to ompung, though it sounds more like a dagger stabbed in my heart.
Ompung closes his eyes slowly as my aunt landed a kiss on his right cheek.
My tears pour heavier.
And then I don't know whether it's the nurse or guard but he said that the visiting time is over.
We said our goodbye.
When we let go of our hand, ompung tried to raise his left hand. I hold his hand once again, caress it.
And then we got out.

I have never been a very religious person and I have made a lot of mistakes, and I sin.
I know my place. Who am I to ask even for another second for ompung's life if God has decided to call him home? Who am I to beg?

I don't deserve to be ompung's granddaughter. I'm just a piece of shit. I got annoyed when ompung calls to ask when I'll get home. I got pissed when his respond is slow. I got mad when he doesn't listen to what we said, even though it's for his own sake. I'm such a hypocrite. I should be gone before him. I should've treated ompung better. I should've be more patience. I should've been a better granddaughter. A garbage like me should just die.

A piece of useless shit like me can't even make him proud.

From the moment I was born, ompung boru and doli is my only grandparents. My grandparents from my dad's side is no longer in this world when I was born.
I remember how we always look forward to holiday in Bandung back when we're still living in Malaysia. Because Bandung means family. Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Ompung.

I know everyone has a time limit. And I know ompung has been fighting so hard for these last ten days. But... I still don't want him to go. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Just a little bit longer. Let me treat him better. Let me make him proud. Let me be his granddaughter a little bit more.

Lord, give me another chance.

Please let us take him back to our house...

I don't want to part with him yet.

Lord I'm begging you..

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