22 February 2016

Tearful Pray

The rain pours down as we leave the hospital.

It started out as a drizzle then it turns heavy the closer we got to home.

I cried at the hospital and I cried again on our way home, hiding my face so no one can see.

I entered the ICU by myself this morning.
There are hoses everywhere. Several monitors. Ompung's eyes are closed.
I walk closer to his right side. I can feel tears welled up in my eyes.
I hold his hand, now so thin and fragile. I tighten my grasp.
And then slowly ompung opens his eyes.

I greeted him.

He keeps on staring at the ceiling.
I caress his right hand.
And then I start massaging ompung's leg.

Suddenly, ompung coughed.
Ompung looks like he's in a lot of pain trying to cough.
One of the monitor's light turn red for a second, then orange, then neutral again.
I panicked. I called the nurse but the nurse did not seem to hear my choked up voice.
I move closer to ompung again.

This time I whispered to him that my brothers send their wishes, they hope ompung will get well soon.
Ompung still look straight up, but his eyes become teary.
At that moment I couldn't held my tears any longer. I returned to his legs and start massaging it again. Left, right, left, right.
And then entered my aunt.

You have no idea how emotional I get when my aunt enter. She came in and start whispering all sort of soothing words to ompung, though it sounds more like a dagger stabbed in my heart.
Ompung closes his eyes slowly as my aunt landed a kiss on his right cheek.
My tears pour heavier.
And then I don't know whether it's the nurse or guard but he said that the visiting time is over.
We said our goodbye.
When we let go of our hand, ompung tried to raise his left hand. I hold his hand once again, caress it.
And then we got out.

I have never been a very religious person and I have made a lot of mistakes, and I sin.
I know my place. Who am I to ask even for another second for ompung's life if God has decided to call him home? Who am I to beg?

I don't deserve to be ompung's granddaughter. I'm just a piece of shit. I got annoyed when ompung calls to ask when I'll get home. I got pissed when his respond is slow. I got mad when he doesn't listen to what we said, even though it's for his own sake. I'm such a hypocrite. I should be gone before him. I should've treated ompung better. I should've be more patience. I should've been a better granddaughter. A garbage like me should just die.

A piece of useless shit like me can't even make him proud.

From the moment I was born, ompung boru and doli is my only grandparents. My grandparents from my dad's side is no longer in this world when I was born.
I remember how we always look forward to holiday in Bandung back when we're still living in Malaysia. Because Bandung means family. Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Ompung.

I know everyone has a time limit. And I know ompung has been fighting so hard for these last ten days. But... I still don't want him to go. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Just a little bit longer. Let me treat him better. Let me make him proud. Let me be his granddaughter a little bit more.

Lord, give me another chance.

Please let us take him back to our house...

I don't want to part with him yet.

Lord I'm begging you..

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