23 October 2017

Appreciation Post

Man, I said this on my last post too but

Being friend with me is tiring. Really. No joke.
I'm the most emotionally unstable, moody, negative, and annoying person I know.

I suck at holding on to conversation. I suck at basic knowledge in relationship.

It's easy for me to get pissed off all of a sudden and distance myself. And I hate this stubborn side of mine. I will take the most insignificant thing people said and tortured myself with it.

That is why I feel like I need to appreciate the people who still think of me as a friend.

The one who sometimes chat me out of nowhere to show me the video of an artist she's in love currently. Even though we haven't chat for months. There's no "how are you" and all that mundane thing. Like we could always jump straight into this topic to another topic to another topic. And we would stop just like that. And continue another time just like that. Thank you. We have been friends for more than 10 years I guess and I hope we could continue for another 10 years and more.

The one whom I know since my darkest year: High School. University hits us hard and there were time we don't see each other in one whole year. There were time when we stopped talking too for months. But you're there for me whenever I'm throwing tantrum. Whenever I feel like shit by myself, you lower yourself down to make me feel like shit together with you (this is an appreciation post, really). Last year of university has finally hit us hard. You with your job finding and me, still hasn't graduate yet :)))) I am sorry I can't be there during your graduation ceremony. I will video call, promise. I hope you will stay as my friend no matter how annoying and negative I am in the present and future.

To all my friends I never even talk to anymore but whenever they're in town or I'm in theirs always hit me up and ask to meet up. I am sorry in advance if I reject your invitation, being a shut-in introverted person as I am. But please know that I always would want to meet with you guys. It's just that sometimes the most negative side of me took over and I will feel unworthy in meeting any of you guys.

Yesterday I threw another tantrum and I feel like I will lose another "friend". Well it's not like I'm that close with her/them(?) but it still hurts. That's why I don't like people. When they betray your expectation you don't know where you should point this anger in your heart.

To them? but it's not like they're the one that give you this unreasonable expectation.

To myself? but I should've known better that people sucks and I shouldn't have any expectation or whatever.

I keep telling myself that I will limit myself to people who cares, to people whom I hold precious. But I always got hurt like this and I never learn.
And, yes, this person is one of the person I stated on my last post. Finally, right? Well, they've graduated anyways it's not like I will meet them anymore. I should put an end into this as soon as I can.

This year I have lost one friend whom I used to hold dear. I guess here's another one.

23 February 2017

がっかり

I wonder if I've put on my mask for too long people thought I'll never get serious.

The thing is, having fun people around you sure is fun and stress-free but there will be time when you don't feel like laughing along.
I have never see myself as a fun person, in fact I know I'm not a fun person. I overthink, oversensitive, overstressed
But of course I won't show that when I'm with my friends having fun. I know how to read the mood.
But this week has just been such a solitary week that I have time to overthink. I feel like being in my final year, I need to get a grip.

Dude, being an architecture student is no joke. Especially when you look around you and see the progress others have made and how little you've done and how much your parents trust that you are doing your best and how supportive your prof to you. Those things make you feel like shit. No joke.
And I don't even need to reflect, I know I need put my feet back to the ground.

And not having even a friend that would understand and at least try to understand that is... disappointing.
I feel like I chose the wrong people and that's heartbreaking.
I mean if they don't feel the same they could at least fake a nod or something instead of making fun of me.
It's enough that I feel like shit by myself, I don't need to feel like shit with them too.

Today I feel like I've reached some sort of a climax. Like "nah, I can't take this anymore".
Ridicule me, laugh at me, I seriously don't give a damn. I thought I could be my serious self with them too and turns out I'm wrong.

I feel like shouting at myself.

What a fool.
I'm such a joke.

Where have my so-called pride of entering "the best" university in Indonesia?
Does all the sacrifices my parents made for me means nothing?
They say there's no need to panic and being stressed by yourself.

Really?

I panic for the fact that they're not panicking.
I think you can "leave the timing to God" when you've done the best you can.
Have you?

Have I?

This kind of thinking makes me feel like it's better to be off alone.
Not having friend is better than having friends who you can't be yourself with.

I miss having friends I can do stupid things with and be serious at times too.
There' this thing called balance.
And it's important for you not to fall.

I'm already tired of putting a fake smile.

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