10 May 2013

Since

i'm getting older in a few more hours i decided to, well, saying a 'resolution' seems exaggerated but it's something like that.
seriously these past few days i've been drowning myself in a 'pool' of comics.. and somehow all of them depressed me too much. why can't there be any guys like in those comics.
or even movies..
i know, i know, i set my standards too high and it's impossible to find that kind of guy in the real world.
but you know, i always thought that it doesn't matter to have high standards
like they say, it's better to be alone for the rest of your life than being with a bad company.
i know it's not like i'm that pretty or all.. blame those novels and comics and movies for making me having that kind of standards.. what kind of standards? well, you will most definitely laugh, but here goes some of them:

  • wear glasses (well, this is actually a very stupid preference, but i guess guy with glasses is super cool)
  • smiles a lot
  • love kids
  • nice voice (what?)
  • speaks British accent (well, this is definitely impossible)
  • movie addict
  • coffee lover
  • i hope he likes fish
  • humorist
  • same taste in music (this is definitely important)
  • older
weeeeell, that's some of that. the rest are so embarrassing lol
okay, so you already know why it's impossible for me to actually find a guy that matches all of those points..
but in the end i know the one that we love will always be an exception.
buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut
i still think that it will be very nice to find someone who... we always dreamed of, craved for..
and the more i try to calm myself that it's alright, the more i worry that i might actually never going to find 'the one'.
it sucks to see that most of my friends right now have a boyfriend/girlfriend (but i'm not talking about her in case any of you are wondering, duh i'm not a little bit jealous of her and her pansy bf) and being lovey-dovey and all, while i'm still here.. haven't even found the one i truly like.
i actually 'fall in like' really fast... of course the one that attracts me most of the time was their style.. i like people who have nice aura.. and after that, it will be the appearances.
but it's not love, i guess not even close. because if it is really love i think i would actually do something. like, really, something! like talk to him or you know..
the fact that i never actually tried to do something was probably because of that stupid standard. i'm afraid that if i get closer to the person i like, i begin to like them the way they are, and it's like i betrayed my own self.
it just feels like those standards are the promises i made to myself to say that 'you deserve the best' to myself
i'm a coward, i know, you may rub it in my face.
i want to experience love like in those movies and comics, yet i never even tried.

well that's actually because of my other motto.
which is girl shouldn't be the one to initiate something. it should be guys. it has always been like that in the past, so i don't want to change it now.
they say girls need to be more aggressive since there're more girls than guys in this world. girls shouldn't just wait.
BUT I DON'T BELIEVE THAT!
i think if a boy likes you, then he should do something. we can only give them the signs. and if they never tried, maybe they don't like you at all.
that's why i always get depressed, i guess.. because of all the guys that i felt in like with, none of them actually try to, well, talk to me. that's why i always say depressing stuffs like 'nobody likes me' 'forever alone' and stuffs like that.

and being like this, being this kind of stubborn girl and having that much of a standard while i don't really have anything to offer is just pathetic.
nobody likes pathetic person.
i am this kind of person.
i set up standards, and i'll ran away if you didn't fit the standards.
i'm also a very labile person.
i could be happy from morning to the afternoon, but after that i might got pissed off with i don't even know why.
a person who could actually accept all my moods, and be patient with me, that is actually what i want.
the one that won't leave me, cause eventually everybody leaves me.
don't tell me i'm wrong, because i'm the one who experienced it.
my friends which i always thought would be my 'bffs' actually don't need me anymore. they already forgot about me.
when i was in junior high, i thought i have a lot of bffs. but now? the people i could actually count to be my bffs are only 4 people. 2 of them are not in Medan with me. we never chat everyday or anything like that, but when we do, it's like we never stopped talking. the other 2 are still right here by my side. i don't know what will happen in the future, but i definitely won't let them go.
those four people i guess are the only one that could accept all of my fucked up moods and attitude and still loves me.
i love you guys...

and soooooooo
this has been really depressing. i won't cry since tomorrow is my.. pfttt-
anyway, bubyee~ have fun with your life..

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