Let It Slide

"It's time to draw the line

To draw the fire

Why'd you never know?

The time to let go

The time to move aside

To let it slide"

So, today I decided to see my story from a third-person point of view.

Sometimes we get excited for nothing simply because we thought it means something.

Anyway, what happened today made me think that I need to see things from a different point of view.

Today he really moved to our building, along with all of my other friends.

During recess, I accompany Ciripah to buy drinks and snacks.

When we got back to our building, I already saw him from afar. He's just with one other friend (whom I know). Let's just say this dude like Ciripah.
Well, since I noticed them already, I walked behind Ciripah. And Mr.H too was walking behind this dude.

so this dude (I guess it's really rude for me to keep calling him 'this dude', but too many names involved would be a problem) greeted us.

"Hai Zeniva, Hai Irene.." begitulah

terus gw bales, sambil senyum lah pastinya "Haaaaaaaiii..."

dan gw ngeliet ke arah dia juga kan sekalian. dan dia jg senyum (walau gak tau senyum ke siapa)

dan yeah, gitu doang. makanya gw bilang gw mencoba melihatnya dari sudut pandang orang ketiga.

emang gak ada apa-apa.

dan sepertinya gak bakal terjadi apa-apa.

this time, i really think i should just let it slide.

it's been fun and exciting, but this is as much as i could take.

it's going nowhere.

how could i not know that?

i guess i know, but i keep on hoping that there's something more beneath all of this.

like, sometime, i think about why he never changes his bag. i said to myself that he ought to have another bag and so why does he keep on wearing that bag. it's not in a very good condition anymore anyway.

but then

it is not impossible for him not to have any other bag. i mean, my brother too, only wore the same bag over and over again.

I'm the one who keep on making excuses.

I'm the one who keep on wearing the same bag as him though i have lots of other bags.

I guess it's just human nature, to keep on hoping on something based on their wildest imagination.

but right now, it hurts.

since i really really really open my eyes this time. 

Friend, there's nothing there

You're clinging on to air

You're reaching back

To something that

You never had

So, yeah, please wish me luck. this is embarrassing... i think i'm just desperate.

therefore, i'll just focus on studying.

i will not let my feelings rise.

not again.

"Kalo jodoh gak kemana"

Seriously, that sentence...

Terakhir kali gw ngerasa begini tuh waktu les yang masuk ke semester 2.
waktu jadwal gw udah beda sama si Mr. H
tapi terus dia pindah hari les jadi sama kyk...well, gw.

nah kali ini
(hampir sama seperti) hal itu terjadi lagi.

jadi tadi gw diskusi berdua doang sama temen gw si ines (yg sekelas sama Mr. H)
nah ya begitu aja sebenernya gw ga pernah bakal menyangka bahwa dia bisa menjadi sumber "berita" gw.
jadi sebelum kami diskusi ya kami ngobrol2 aja lah kan dulu
dan ines cerita banyaaaak ttg kelas nya (terutama Mr. H)
jadi kayak tadi tuh mrk pelajaran bahasa inggris kan tp kyk ga belajar gt jadinya soalnya tentor mrk harus ngajar ke kls lain lagi, jd mereka ditinggalin gitu deh.
jadi Mr.H sama 3 org cowok yg lain (yg somehow sekarang jadi dkt bgt sama Mr.H) pindah duduk ke depan, dan mereka nyanyi2....................
like,
nyanyi2 ga jelas gitu................
ada yg ngetok2 meja, terus beatbox lah... dan Mr.H ikut nyanyi2...............................................
i am actually really really really sad since i couldn't see that side of him.
i mean, back in my old class, he's not really that "loud" and you know, playful....
and then ines told me that the boys now like to play futsal after cram school.
and that when this Indonesian tentor that we really don't like (since he's so strict and all) teaches in their class, Mr.H whose seat are in the first row would move to the back along with his new friend because they don't like that tentor.
it's sooooooooo heartwarming to hear ines' story.
while we're talking like that, i actually thought that Mr.H has went home/futsal but turns out he hasn't. he was having lunch with Teddy.

but the big surprise came later.

so
ines suddenly told me like this: "Ren, kelas kami bakal dipindah loh."
me: "hah, dipindah gmn nes maksudmu?"
ines: "iya kami pindah ke tempat kalian ini. tapi di ruang 7. dimana itu ruang 7?"
me: "hmm gaktau jg sih aku, keknya yg di belakang sana. is enak kali kalo kalian disitu, bang Jeffry sering masuk situ."
ines: "oh iya nya?"
me: "kok bisa dipindahin gitu nes?"
ines: "aku pun gak tau ren. kelas kami emang lumayan banyak, 24 orang gitu. tapi yang masuk itu paling 11 orang. paling banyak pun 15 orang. kami mulai disana nanti hari Senin ren."

and then........
KABOOOOOOOOM!!!!

THAT MEANS:

• I AM GOING TO BE IN THE SAME BUILDING AS HIM
• THE CHANCES OF ME SEEING HIM DURING RECESS IS GETTING BIGGER
• WHEN WE GO HOME, HE IS GOING TO TAKE HIS MOTORBIKE IN OUR PARKING LOT
• AND I CAN'T SEE HIM FROM FAR AWAY
• I WOULD PROBABLY DIE OF HEART ATTACK IF WE SUDDENLY PASSED EACH OTHER
• AND SO ON AND SO FORTH

gw bener2 udah ga tau mau ngomong apa lagi.

yg muncul di kepala gw ya tiba2 kalimat yg jd judul post ini aja. gw gatau lagi.gatau lagi.

shoot.

Late realization

After i went home from cram school today,
there's one thing that has been stuck in my mind.
it's because of one thing that ciripah said
it was when we were waiting in front of the gate, like usual..
he's already out and has been sitting in his usual spot.
and then all my friends from my school who are now in different classes than me, came to me and ciripah's building.
and we talked and talked still in front of the gate.

begitu gw sama ciripah berdiri kan, dia ngeliet ya ke arah kami. terus ciripah langsung bilang
"omak ren, dia ngeliet ke sini"
trus aku bilang lah "iya cir, aku tau"
dan akhirnya ciripah mengerti kalo tatapan si Mr.H itu selama ini begimana.

nah jadi kan gw td sesak pipis bgt asli ga boong. tp trs kamar mandi di bangunan kami gak ada air ugh...
jadi gw mnt tolong sama temen gw yg kelasnya tuh di bangunannya si Mr.H buat nemenin ke wc mrk aja...
jadi ya
gw ngelewatin Mr.H dengan kawan2nya yg lagi duduk di motor mrk masing2.
sejujurnya gw pengen ngomong ke cowok yg kemaren gw pinjem catatannya itu. soalnya dia jg ada disitu. bahkan ada temen cowok gw yg gw kenal itu. tapi...
TAPI
gila gw ga sanggup. gw jalan aja cepet2 ke wc sama tmn gw, ngelewatin mrk. gw ga ngeliet ke arah mrk sama sekali.
nah
pas balik kan
si ciripah bilang kalo si Mr.H ngelietin ke arah mrk berdiri aja teruss

and it hit me

what if

he likes my friend?

what if

he actually likes ciripah? it really wasn't a big surprise
since ciripah is really pretty and there're a lot of guy who likes her

what if

maybe even if it's not ciripah, what if someone from my school.
we used to be in the same class back then in first semester, so it's not really impossible

what if

he has been looking at me because, idk, say, he want to actually ask something about my friend that he likes?

what if

what if

#depressed

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i seriously need to get a mirror.
maybe he hasn't been looking at me these whole time.

these 'what if's could seriously kill me.

i give myself too many credits.

honestly, i've been wanting to post this since last sunday but can't help it, i'm too busy studying (lol)
okay

on Sunday, we had our second day of Try Out (the result is out, but i haven't looked at it)
and anyway, i'm not talking about the test.
so, when i got out from the class, he was already sitting in his usual place across the street. he wore kemeja ohmaigot. i can't even.. he wore grey kemeja and well, you guys know how much i LOVE guys  with kemeja and shoes. he wore white shoes.
one thing about his clothes though, i actually about to wore my grey kemeja too on that day. but i figured it might be too gloomy. so i wore the orange one instead. oh and he wore long-sleeve by the way.
gw yakin gw terlalu pede. and guys, i have a very high imagination. you need to keep up with me.
it's not really something too crazy, just a little bit.
waktu dia duduk di depan itu kan, gw otomatis ngeliatin dia aja. dan dari waktu ke waktu, dia natap gw balik. dan bukan cuman sekilas lewat gitu. like, actually stared at me. gw langsung buang muka tiap dia ngeliat ke arah gw. nah krn gw sama ciripah sama2 belom di jemput, jadi kan gw mau nemenin ciripah ke depan utk ngeliat mana tau abangnya jemput kesitu, jadi yowes kami jalan. (gw udah geer bgt berharap kalo dia tuh duduk di dpn itu krn gw jg blm plg. i know, geer banget kan) dan pas kami ud ke dpn ternyata abangnya blm dtg, kami balik lg.
dan si Mr. H udah di motor nya siap2 plg. gw (geer lagi) merasa dia ngeliat gw kyk kaget gt. kayak 'loh gajadi pulang' gitu deh. iya, silahkan muntah.
jadi. kawan2nya udah pada balik tuh. tp dia masih ttp aja di dpn pagar duduk di motornya.
dia ngeliet gw. lagi. ntah utk yg keberapa kalinya. dan setelah akhirnya dia menunggu semua teman2nya pulang, baru dia pulang.


NAH
hari ini.
lagi.
makanya gmn coba gw berusaha utk tidak geer kalo begini trs jadinya.

jadi biasanya kan dia ga pernah keluar tuh kalo istirahat tp td dia keluar. dan dia pake begini:

sedangkan gw yg awalnya mau pake begini:

tp krn rasa percaya diri gw ga setinggi itu, gajadi dah. gw jd begini:

baru pertama kali deh dia pake celana pendek. asli gw ga boong. 
dan even though he wore sandals, he still looked fakin supah.
jadi kan ya gw kaget aja ngeliet dia tp yowes udah gitu aja.
pas pulang.
nasib gw sama becak emang tidak begitu bagus. jadi jam 11 gw telp tukang becak gw (gw udah keluar dr 10.45) dan dia baru mau berangkat. bad luck (or is it?)
jadi 30 menitan gitu kata uwak becaknya dia baru sampe. okelah kan
nah gw emang udah berencana mau minjem catatan temen cewek gw (namanya ines) yg sekelas sama Mr.H ini. tp terus dia bilang catatannya krg lengkap, jd pinjem sama kawannya yg lain aja yg lengkap.
oh yowes, gw ga masalah. jd gw ikt lah sama dia ke kelasnya.
gw berdiri di pintu aja. asli ga sanggup liat begitu ke dalem. untung tmpt duduk Mr.H agak belakang gitu.
tp teruss.. kawan cowok gw yg duduk di depan Mr.H manggil pulak. jadi gw terpaksa melongokkan kepala ke dalam.
dan betul aja.
dia disitu.
dan dia dr td kepalanya udah menghadap ke gw. jadi begitu gw ngeliet ke dalem,
dep.
langsung dia.
PPPPPSSSSSHHHHHHH (some kind of boiling sound)
eniwei betewe abis itu si ines balik. jd ya gw nyebrang lagi ke tmpt gw dan menunggu dengan sabar.
dia kluar ga lama setelah itu.
dan duduk
dan ngadep ke arah gw
dan gw mati
berkali2 eye contact
dan gw tuh ud nahan supaya ga tersenyum atau teriak. karena demi apa rambutnya itu acak2an dan itu. sangat. ganteng.
sampe dia udah make helm dan duduk di motor nya jg.
kayak, gerak dikit, stared at me, gerak dikit, stared at me.
GIMANA GW GA MAU MATI.

di becak selama perjalanan pulang, gw senyum trs kyk orgil.

+1

Thank you God for another year.
for another year i could spend with my family and friends.
thank you for all the people you put in my life,
for all the time we could spend together.
i am glad to have friends that have mutual feelings with me.
we may not chat that often, hell, we may only talk when it's my birthday or theirs
but anyway anyhow, all those wishes... they mean so much to me.
i realized now that the most important thing is the wishes though.. the sincere feeling you got from them. the fact that in 365 days of their life they could remember a day that is so important to me.
i really think that it's the most wonderful feeling in the world.
i'm just glad to be surrounded by these people

and todaaaaaay is special.. every day should be special though.. but anywaay
my mom and lil bro tried to make a surprise for me but it undergoes quite an epic failure..
but it's really cute.. and the cake, the cake though... it's so cute i don't even think i could eat it..
and then well, i had my try out in cram school.. i actually arrived late but it went quite well i guess..
and theeen i went out to the mall with ciripah and we met monik and dilla there.
it's my first time meeting dilla in person but it's really fun.. no awkward thingy and all (okay maybe there was just  a little)
it's really fun though we didn't actually do anything. we just wandering around the mall and sit and wander and sit...
monik's gift is really cute.. it's a lunch box nik, it's stated on the box lol..
well, here are some pictures we took todayy~

well okay i should probably study for tomorrow's TO ~_~
wish me luck! bzzzt

Since

i'm getting older in a few more hours i decided to, well, saying a 'resolution' seems exaggerated but it's something like that.
seriously these past few days i've been drowning myself in a 'pool' of comics.. and somehow all of them depressed me too much. why can't there be any guys like in those comics.
or even movies..
i know, i know, i set my standards too high and it's impossible to find that kind of guy in the real world.
but you know, i always thought that it doesn't matter to have high standards
like they say, it's better to be alone for the rest of your life than being with a bad company.
i know it's not like i'm that pretty or all.. blame those novels and comics and movies for making me having that kind of standards.. what kind of standards? well, you will most definitely laugh, but here goes some of them:

• wear glasses (well, this is actually a very stupid preference, but i guess guy with glasses is super cool)
• smiles a lot
• love kids
• nice voice (what?)
• speaks British accent (well, this is definitely impossible)
• movie addict
• coffee lover
• i hope he likes fish
• humorist
• same taste in music (this is definitely important)
• older

weeeeell, that's some of that. the rest are so embarrassing lol
okay, so you already know why it's impossible for me to actually find a guy that matches all of those points..
but in the end i know the one that we love will always be an exception.
buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut
i still think that it will be very nice to find someone who... we always dreamed of, craved for..
and the more i try to calm myself that it's alright, the more i worry that i might actually never going to find 'the one'.
it sucks to see that most of my friends right now have a boyfriend/girlfriend (but i'm not talking about her in case any of you are wondering, duh i'm not a little bit jealous of her and her pansy bf) and being lovey-dovey and all, while i'm still here.. haven't even found the one i truly like.
i actually 'fall in like' really fast... of course the one that attracts me most of the time was their style.. i like people who have nice aura.. and after that, it will be the appearances.
but it's not love, i guess not even close. because if it is really love i think i would actually do something. like, really, something! like talk to him or you know..
the fact that i never actually tried to do something was probably because of that stupid standard. i'm afraid that if i get closer to the person i like, i begin to like them the way they are, and it's like i betrayed my own self.
it just feels like those standards are the promises i made to myself to say that 'you deserve the best' to myself
i'm a coward, i know, you may rub it in my face.
i want to experience love like in those movies and comics, yet i never even tried.

well that's actually because of my other motto.
which is girl shouldn't be the one to initiate something. it should be guys. it has always been like that in the past, so i don't want to change it now.
they say girls need to be more aggressive since there're more girls than guys in this world. girls shouldn't just wait.
BUT I DON'T BELIEVE THAT!
i think if a boy likes you, then he should do something. we can only give them the signs. and if they never tried, maybe they don't like you at all.
that's why i always get depressed, i guess.. because of all the guys that i felt in like with, none of them actually try to, well, talk to me. that's why i always say depressing stuffs like 'nobody likes me' 'forever alone' and stuffs like that.

and being like this, being this kind of stubborn girl and having that much of a standard while i don't really have anything to offer is just pathetic.
nobody likes pathetic person.
i am this kind of person.
i set up standards, and i'll ran away if you didn't fit the standards.
i'm also a very labile person.
i could be happy from morning to the afternoon, but after that i might got pissed off with i don't even know why.
a person who could actually accept all my moods, and be patient with me, that is actually what i want.
the one that won't leave me, cause eventually everybody leaves me.
don't tell me i'm wrong, because i'm the one who experienced it.
my friends which i always thought would be my 'bffs' actually don't need me anymore. they already forgot about me.
when i was in junior high, i thought i have a lot of bffs. but now? the people i could actually count to be my bffs are only 4 people. 2 of them are not in Medan with me. we never chat everyday or anything like that, but when we do, it's like we never stopped talking. the other 2 are still right here by my side. i don't know what will happen in the future, but i definitely won't let them go.
those four people i guess are the only one that could accept all of my fucked up moods and attitude and still loves me.
i love you guys...

and soooooooo
this has been really depressing. i won't cry since tomorrow is my.. pfttt-
anyway, bubyee~ have fun with your life..

Wow

It's been a whole month since my last post lol..
i'm way too free these kind of days so i'll probably be posting quite regularly again..
i'm sorry for not replying ira's and farah's comment on my last post.. i just noticed it today dan udah basi utk dibalas skrg wkwk.. sori men..

well, first of all~ i'm going to get a year older again pretty soon..
i can't say that i'm proud of myself.. but well, i don't hate myself anyway..
the past month i guess there's quite a lot of things going on..
some loss, and pretty less winning.
but i really could learn to let go now..
i guess i just realized that it's just the way things are..
we need to let them go.. the good memories will always be remembered but since it won't happened again, we shouldn't dwell on the past..
i lost a very dear uncle.. and well.... i lost fishie.
i'm still not ready to talk about the last mentioned above.. it still hurts.. and i might cry (for i don't know how many times already)
so, yeah, maybe sometime not real soon..

and about love life (of course i'm going to talk about this)
soooo... now is the intensive study system in my cram school.. and to put it simply, i'm not in the same class as him anymore...
i really don't know what happened to the administrative office, since my old friends are all in the same class.. only me and ciripah and two other people got kicked out from our old class -___-" (well, actually there are others getting kicked even more away...) but anyway...
so, that's that.
i guess i really never saw this coming so i was quite taken aback.
though his, well, 'building' is across the street but still, not the same class, not even in the same building..
so it becomes quite rare for me to see him.. he always (i guess) arrived late while i'm always on time. he got out from the class reaaaaally long.. while i always got out of the class ASAP
so yeah....
quite heartbroken but well, maybe it's for the best.
and anyway if it really meant to be, there has to be another way around..
BUT
i am not getting my hopes up..
since my self-esteem is very very very low...
and i can't help to be mesmerized every time i saw him looking all handsome and flawless.
i'm just me and i don't think i could actually be anyone's type.
so, lol, it's really impossible for anything to actually sprout from this total one-sided admiration.
i'll just stick to studying and having fun with friends (all that i have left) and having fun with myself..

i'm in the middle of experimenting with my appearance wkwkwk... since i can't really do anything with my face, and my hair is helpless.. i shall be doing it via clothes.. so i don't mind people's stare or even judgement they can judge anything they want with the way i wear my clothes.. but they certainly won't be getting any damn attention from me..

#peaceout