がっかり

I wonder if I've put on my mask for too long people thought I'll never get serious.

The thing is, having fun people around you sure is fun and stress-free but there will be time when you don't feel like laughing along.
I have never see myself as a fun person, in fact I know I'm not a fun person. I overthink, oversensitive, overstressed
But of course I won't show that when I'm with my friends having fun. I know how to read the mood.
But this week has just been such a solitary week that I have time to overthink. I feel like being in my final year, I need to get a grip.

Dude, being an architecture student is no joke. Especially when you look around you and see the progress others have made and how little you've done and how much your parents trust that you are doing your best and how supportive your prof to you. Those things make you feel like shit. No joke.
And I don't even need to reflect, I know I need put my feet back to the ground.

And not having even a friend that would understand and at least try to understand that is... disappointing.
I feel like I chose the wrong people and that's heartbreaking.
I mean if they don't feel the same they could at least fake a nod or something instead of making fun of me.
It's enough that I feel like shit by myself, I don't need to feel like shit with them too.

Today I feel like I've reached some sort of a climax. Like "nah, I can't take this anymore".
Ridicule me, laugh at me, I seriously don't give a damn. I thought I could be my serious self with them too and turns out I'm wrong.

I feel like shouting at myself.

What a fool.
I'm such a joke.

Where have my so-called pride of entering "the best" university in Indonesia?
Does all the sacrifices my parents made for me means nothing?
They say there's no need to panic and being stressed by yourself.

Really?

I panic for the fact that they're not panicking.
I think you can "leave the timing to God" when you've done the best you can.
Have you?

Have I?

This kind of thinking makes me feel like it's better to be off alone.
Not having friend is better than having friends who you can't be yourself with.

I miss having friends I can do stupid things with and be serious at times too.
There' this thing called balance.
And it's important for you not to fall.

I'm already tired of putting a fake smile.