scrambled thoughts

i'll admit this: it's really hard to move on.
i always caught a glimpse of him.
his back, his hand, his bag.
this "moving on" thing is getting harder because i still see him every day.

and even when i stood amongst the crowd, i caught the shadow of you.

but sometimes (for me most of the times) we need to try not to care, because sometimes, you mean nothing to someone who means everything to you.
and the truth is, right now i'm not even so sure about my own feelings.
i know one thing though, he likes that girl.
and i can't help it if she's better than me. she's pretty, she's smart. who wouldn't adore her?

i have a tendency to fall for the impossible love.
well, actually it's impossible because i never try to do anything to actually change it.
it's not because i'm scared (okay, maybe a little bit) but it's because HE LIKES ANOTHER GIRL.
why is it so hard to convince myself that he didn't even notice my existence?
i know "avoiding" is not the best way to get over someone, but if i saw him i keep on getting my hopes up. i keep on getting my hopes up for nothing.
it's not fair how i can be right here thinking about him, while he's over there thinking about her.
but these days, he didn't hang out in front of his classmate's class like he usually does.
so i guess it's a good thing. i didn't get to see him that often.
but then again, i occasionally caught myself staring out of the class' window, searching for him.

GAAAAAH!! why is it so hard to delete one's existence in your life?
i know that without this loving stuff, my high school life is going to be empty and miserable at best, but then again, one-sided love can't be considered as love at all.

love should make you feel like a better person, should make you happy, and even when love hurts, the pain isn't the same as one-sided love.
three things you'll probably get from one-sided love is pain, pain, pain.
at first you'll say that just by looking at him is enough. but sooner or later, you want more.
you want to know more about him.
you want him to notice your existence.
you want him to notice when you're not there.
just like you notice every single detail of him.
but he's not going to notice you.
never.

and i've been holding this feelings for far too long than i expected myself to.
because i'm actually the kind of girl who get too attached.
it hurts. at first there was butterfly, but now it's just pain.
all i want is.............

serenity.

(or maybe you... yeah, maybe just you...)




gw pengen gitu ada yg menganggap gw worth fighting.
someone who will say this to me:

"I'll be true, I'll be useful...
I'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
And I'll belong to you...
If you just let me through."  

tapi kalo gw lebih ke kebalikannya sih.
gw yg berkata seperti itu.
gw yg menunggu.
and maybe, i don't know, maybe one day you'll love me. but i don't think i can wait that long, honey.