STOP, please.

tadi.
di kantin.
gw gatau dr kapan dia disana.
gw gatau knp tiba2 pas bgt gw ngeliet dia.
yg jelas gw tau, gw daritadi ngaib.

oke, jadi td gw, ila, dan monik mau nyobain indomie di kantin blok a (iya, gw tau itu cuman indomie. rasanya ga mngkn beda.. tp begitulah)
jd stand jualan itu emang selaluuuu rame.
tp krn kami kepengen nyoba, akhirnya kami bela2in ngantre.
dr awal km berdiri situ kerjaannya udah menggila aja.
apalagi ila sama monik lg stress jd gw jg ikutan gila ngomong sama mereka.
nah.
saat antrean mengurang drastis, otomatis kami bergeser semakin mendekati ya.. abang yg masak nya itu lah.
tiba2 aja kepala gw ngeliat ke kiri.
dan disitu ronaldo. lg berdiri ngantre jg.
gw shock. pastinya.
kyk yg udah gw bilang di atas tadi, gw gatau dari kapan dia udah disana atau mungkin dia malah baru aja nyampe sono.
setelah gw ingat2 kembali, kayaknya sih dia udah beli makanan. seinget gw dia ada bawa makanan di tangannya. mungkin kwnnya yg lg berdiri di sampingnya.
berusaha kalem, gw ngeliet ke monik dan ngasitau disitu ada ronaldo.
monik pun terdiam juga.
abis itu dr belakang monik, kawannya ronaldo kayak manggil mereka gt deh mngkn suruh cepetan atau gmn.
abis itu mereka pergi.
yg pengennnn gw kasih tau disini itu sebenernya soal jantung gw waktu gw ngeliet dia.
selama ini gw udah merasa ga ada feel apa2 lagi karena gw SELALU ga mau ngeliet dia.
tp emang kalo gw ngeliet bahkan cuman tangannya atau tas nya jantung gw agak2... gmn gitu.
hari ini, tadi, setelah sekian lama gw ga ngeliet muka dia, gw keliet.
asli jantung gw...........
terlalu.

emang bukan salah dia (ya bukan lah) untuk muncul di sekitar gw di saat gw paling gak siap. lagian, dia mana peduli, i mean, i'm just an extras in his life, a background.
tapi gw udah berusaha sekuat mungkin untuk GAK melihat dia.
tapi gini.
selalu.
sinyal gw masih on. kayaknya tombol off nya rusak
gw masih sering menangkap bayangannya.

why, oh why?
he loves another girl.
it's that simple.
udah kurang jelas apa lagi.
gw harus move on.
itu sebuah kewajiban.
gw harus mematikan sinyal sialan itu.

sayonara.

scrambled thoughts

i'll admit this: it's really hard to move on.
i always caught a glimpse of him.
his back, his hand, his bag.
this "moving on" thing is getting harder because i still see him every day.

and even when i stood amongst the crowd, i caught the shadow of you.

but sometimes (for me most of the times) we need to try not to care, because sometimes, you mean nothing to someone who means everything to you.
and the truth is, right now i'm not even so sure about my own feelings.
i know one thing though, he likes that girl.
and i can't help it if she's better than me. she's pretty, she's smart. who wouldn't adore her?

i have a tendency to fall for the impossible love.
well, actually it's impossible because i never try to do anything to actually change it.
it's not because i'm scared (okay, maybe a little bit) but it's because HE LIKES ANOTHER GIRL.
why is it so hard to convince myself that he didn't even notice my existence?
i know "avoiding" is not the best way to get over someone, but if i saw him i keep on getting my hopes up. i keep on getting my hopes up for nothing.
it's not fair how i can be right here thinking about him, while he's over there thinking about her.
but these days, he didn't hang out in front of his classmate's class like he usually does.
so i guess it's a good thing. i didn't get to see him that often.
but then again, i occasionally caught myself staring out of the class' window, searching for him.

GAAAAAH!! why is it so hard to delete one's existence in your life?
i know that without this loving stuff, my high school life is going to be empty and miserable at best, but then again, one-sided love can't be considered as love at all.

love should make you feel like a better person, should make you happy, and even when love hurts, the pain isn't the same as one-sided love.
three things you'll probably get from one-sided love is pain, pain, pain.
at first you'll say that just by looking at him is enough. but sooner or later, you want more.
you want to know more about him.
you want him to notice your existence.
you want him to notice when you're not there.
just like you notice every single detail of him.
but he's not going to notice you.
never.

and i've been holding this feelings for far too long than i expected myself to.
because i'm actually the kind of girl who get too attached.
it hurts. at first there was butterfly, but now it's just pain.
all i want is.............

serenity.

(or maybe you... yeah, maybe just you...)




gw pengen gitu ada yg menganggap gw worth fighting.
someone who will say this to me:

"I'll be true, I'll be useful...
I'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
And I'll belong to you...
If you just let me through."  

tapi kalo gw lebih ke kebalikannya sih.
gw yg berkata seperti itu.
gw yg menunggu.
and maybe, i don't know, maybe one day you'll love me. but i don't think i can wait that long, honey.