22 October 2011

Wow i really miss this place. I feel like years had passed since the last time i updated this blog.
A lot of things had happened, a lot of things had brought me down, brought me happiness, some random shit called exam is happening, the war is on going, and i know there's going to be a lot more in the future.
The thing is, i had given up liking '19'.
And ever since that, it's never the same. I don't know what i feel anymore. It feels... Empty. It does sounds exaggerating but i swear that's exactly how i feel.
Actually, we had found someone to 'idolize' again, like we used to be with 'Ronaldo' if any of you still remember. He's a first year, yes, he's Chinese. And....... He somehow (and i really don't like it) ended up in the same class as Ronaldo -_-
His name is Freddy. He's not, like, REALLY handsome. I mean, if you just saw him for a split second, he's just normal.. but. When you stop and stare at him for a while, he's flawless. Really. And he got this kind of really sharp eyes when he looks around. Ugh, it's so heart-throbbing.
Uhm, and yeah, he already noticed that we (me, monique, ila, ciripah) are madly in love with him.
Oh God, there's one time when we're peeking to see if he's inside the classroom and he actually looked outside. At us. With his sharp eyes. Melted.
He's just... Different. He's smart. Srsly. We (well, to be honest, it's me) kinda tried to know more info about him and so i looked into our school's website to find it. He's a new kid so he need to took an exam to enter our school, and so anyway we found out that he's really smart.
Even in the morning sometimes we'll see him reading a book. Yes, he actually studies. And he's not like some jerk we like back then, he did not try to stay away from us, i mean, he's just like 'well whatever'. And he's so coooool and he only got this one dude as his friend. I mean, tottally. He went almost everywhere with him.

I thought that being a fan to Freddy will somehow filled this emptiness. But, i just realized today, that it didn't.
Today i 'saw' 19. Well, actually, my friend did. We're walking to the front gate to go back home. And she dragged me with her, passing this table. Monique was walking behind me, and i was talking with her. And it's hard talking to our back, so i turned my body a little bit and i continue on talking:
"ko ada uang nik?!" and Monique didn't reply so i said it again with a louder voice.
"ko ada uang nik?!!"
And that's when i realized right in front of my face (which i turned to my left) it's him. Right there. Sitting and talking with his friend. It's not far from the place i stood. And he looked at me. Maybe. I guess. But i think it's just for a split second.
Why did i wrote this? Because now, that's the only thing that got stuck in my head. That's the only thing i've been thinking about since i went home
So i realized, i still care about what he may think.. And i still care about how i look in front of him. And it hurts a lot. All this time i've only been hiding my true feelings.
But i'm too heart broken already to continue on liking him. I didn't exist in his world, i should've known better.

Oh yeah, did i forgot to mentioned that i have deleted him as my friend on facebook? It's like a month ago.

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