i'm back! kinda...

you know what? 2010 almost ended. well i guess you all have figured it out.
i noticed something quite peculiar about 10 minutes ago
i spent days and days and days thinking bout the past
and now i think i have come to a conclusion, i guess, human brain is complicated so you might want to be not so sure.
ekhem, so..
i miss my pal, good pal actually, i guess that shows.
i want to meet them, that shows too
i really have this positive energy coming to me a few days ago, that i will meet them again.
well now i'm telling you that i'm not so sure anymore. BIG not sure.
the reason is simple: i'm afraid.
now, this word "afraid" i used has a lot of meanings.
i got a lot spaces left so i'll type it all down

first, the greatest fear of all is.... forgot. i am not the kinda person that lose faith easily, and i'm still keeping this faith deep down down down down in my heart. but i'm just a human, obviously, so i have doubt. i didn't have enough faith that after next year i met them (maybe it's the last time i'll meet them) they will still remember me.

second, i am afraid of my jealousy. i have seen pictures, i'm happy seeing them happy, but still there's this little spark inside this human heart, a little spark of jealousy. i can't stop thinking that "i should've been there with them" or "i should have done that together with them" and stuff like that, you got the idea. i'm not happy with that

third, the last one maybe, i'm afraid of myself. you know, when i see those pictures i see something BIG. that they DID NOT change. but i'm afraid that i DID. maybe, i don't know. you can't judge yourself, mate. i honestly think something changed inside of me. but i don't know what it is, and i don't know whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. now, i don't have much positive energy around me lately (i can't even force myself to go to bath) so i have this thought that maybe, BIG maybe, it's a bad thing

you see, i can't even ended this years successfully with no regrets. i have regrets. i have wishes. too many wishes that my mind WILL blow up, literally. i have this mixed up feelings. i have this crumbled string inside my brain. i have this massive school nerve in my heart. and i still have a lot of things i want to say to the Lord, i have a lot of confessions, i have a lot of apologies to be told, i have a lot and lots and lotssss of "thank you" to be spoken. i have a lot of love to be shared.

now when the world seem so pitch black, your only choice is the Lord, and it will be totally great if you have some company besides you. you should be thankful for the people that stays besides you, always.