An irritating change

Sooo aloha and may God bless you!
Today i really need to let out my emotions, so pardon my languange.
We all have that one friend that changes after like, say, they have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Sometimes even before they have an actual relationship.
So first of all, though this may look one-sided, this is how i really feel.
I guess i'm just an old-fashioned person but i take friendship as a serious matter.
When i become friends with you, i will try my best to mantain that relationship. And i, too, will try my best to accept the other party the way they are.
That's why i expect the other party to do so, too. I am hoping too much i guess.
Small things that seems unimportant, i would like to know that too, if you want to share it.
Because i will talk to you from the most unimportant stuff in my life to the most important thing when i considered we are good friends.
I thought it was only in movies that (in my condition) boys could ruin girls' friendship. But it's true enough. And the most irritating thing is that i can't do anything about it.
But here's the truth, i don't like that guy and so i don't think i can support you liking that guy. He seems to me like a pansy.
A fucked up pansy.
I can be fake, really, all this time i've been faking the fact that i don't want to know any stupid crappy updates on your relationship with that guy,
But now i can't even fake it anymore.
I really wanna puke.
Disgusting.
And the truth is i really hate it when you say meaningless sentence like you want us to ask more about it. Oh, please!
And those tweets!!! Oh my gosh,
Calm down you blockheaded people.
Jijik tau ga sih ngeliat kalian RT2an ga jelas di twitter.
You guys are the reason i am fed up on twitter, thank you very much.
It's like this whole world is yours.
Well, do take it. I don't feel like being a part of your world anymore anyway.
I do think i'm not good with a crybaby person and a person who can't take their own choices, a person who is not mature enough.
I am not mature, but at least i'm not a crybaby and i do think friendship is above all (after family of course)
Keseeeeeel sebanget2nya
Kalo bs pengen rasanya ga usah bertatap muka lg, biar gw ga usah berakting trs
Capek
Ga enaknya hubungan di dunia ini tuh ga bs kangsung kyk "poof" ilang begitu aja
Sayang bgt..

taste of music

you know, one thing i really miss from my old school back in the neighbouring country is the people's taste of music.
i know having a friend does not always mean having the same taste of music. it does not work like that. and i really don't have any problem hanging out with my friends who really don't know, like, any band that i like.
seriously.
they don't know Good Charlotte, Arctic Monkeys, Blink 182, and even Keane!
i know what kind of music they listen to. rae japsen (i really don't know how to spell her first name), bruno, taylor swift and all of that.
and sure, it used to be no problem at all.
but the more i got sucked into bands i love, the more i feel like i really need somebody who knows these bands. The Strokes, Two Door Cinema Club, The Kooks, i don't know, Green Day, Linkin Park, anything!
it's really depressing, not having anyone to share your passion with. the more i think about it, the more i feel sick and wants to be left alone. at least outside of this town i'm sure there are guys who know about some of those bands.
here? there's only one guy that i know in my school who knows Keane.
others sure have "better" taste in music.
i always thought my big bro is over-reacting if a guy likes boyband or solo singer like bruno mars.
but now?
oh gosh, i really could understand his point of view.
it just doesn't feel right if a boy doesn't listen to a band.
real band.
the one with guitar, bass, drums, piano and stuff.
not the one with autotuned song, pretty guys, screaming girl fans.
ugh. it's nauseating.
i really. need. someone with better sense of music.
i'm sure i won't find any in this town.
that gives me more reason to leave this stupid town.
doesn't matter the fact that this town is my hometown.
it's rotten. the government, the people. i don't even know why anyone sane would want to live here.
call it whatever you want, but if you have seen better towns and actually lived in better town than this stupid town, i'm sure you would think the same thing as i do.
hate is a strong word, but i really really really hate this town.

not a good place to live.
not a good place to spend your childhood (which i'm glad i did not).
not even a good place for vacation!
i don't know what this town is good for.

Negativity

It's depressing, right? It's been a while since my last post, and the first thing i write is about negativity.
For some of you who doesn't know me that good, i shall tell you that i'm quite a labile person.
Throughout the day my mood was nice, until just a few hours ago, i got depressed.
Heaven knows what's gotten into me.
I just feels like a loser.
Nothing to be proud of.
Nothing to be noticed by.
I guess, i don't know, maybe i'm just tired.
Tiba2 aja gt ngerasa ga pede, ga bersemangat, ga mau bersosialisasi dulu.
Ntahlah, mungkin begitu gw bangun dr tidur besok, perasaan ini bakal ilang. Tapi, mungkin jg semakin parah -_-
Di saat begini, gw cuman pengen tidur seharian. Menjauh dari keramaian, melupakan sekolah, UN, SBMPTN, dll, dsb.
Rasanya terlalu banyak yg dipikirkan, terlalu banyak orang yg harus disenangi.
Ironis bahwa di saat seperti ini, yg bs membuat gw tersenyum dr hati lagi hanyalah fishie.
Senang rasanya kalo ada yg tidak melihat kita dengan cara yg berbeda walau apapun yg terjadi pada kita di hari ini. Senang rasanya melihat sesuatu yg tetap di kala semua berubah. Senang rasanya bisa berhenti berpura2.
Berpura2 senang, berpura2 santai, berpura2 bahwa semuanya tidak apa2.
Capek.
Orang2 yg kita harus pikirkan. Itu sebenarnya yg membuat paling capek, kalo menurut gw.
Belom cukup mikirin diri sendiri, orang tua, keluarga, teman2, org luar jg harus dipikirin? Makanya gw orangnya (mungkin) bs dianggap sombong, padahal jujur aja nih, gw hanya awkward. Gw ga bs bersosialisasi. Dan gw ga suka.
Kalo gw suka sama lo, gw bs nyerocos non stop ttg apapun, tapi kalo gw ga kenal ama lo, otomatis gw ga bs.
Dan gw heran.
Enggak semua pertanyaan itu perlu jawaban.
"Kenapa gini?", "kenapa begitu?", "kok gak ini?", "ada apa?"
Capeeeeeeek woy gw jawabnya.
Apa sekarang gw udah ga berhak mengambil keputusan apapun?
Oke gw tau, mungkin itu cara org menunjukkan rasa pedulinya.
Tapi, bro, give me a break. The man needs some privacy.
I need privacy.
I don't like being surrounded by a lot of people who doesn't even care about my existence.

Surprise, surprise..

I told you on my last post about the guy in my cram school.
Guess what, he DID have different days from mine.
Mine are tuesday, thursday and saturday while his were monday, wednesday and friday.
Well when i went to the class on Tuesday, sure enough, he was not there. Quite dissapointed, i was. But anyway i already saw this coming.
But then the pleasant surprise came on thursday.
I really have given up all hope that i'd be able to see him again. And one more time when the attendance list was being passed around, i didn't saw his name.
I sat on the second row on the left side only with ciripah.
And then recess came.
Me and ciripah sat for a little longer until the whole class is only 4 people left including us.
We are still not comfortable with our new class, though almost half of it is from our old classmate.
Anywayyy
When we have reached the door, i suddenly turned around.
I saw his bag (me and him have the same bag by the way). My heart really went crazy.
I grabbed ciripah's hand and made her look at that bag.
I guess she just don't want me to get my hopes up since we did not see his name on the attendance, so she said maybe someone else have the same bag.
Well that is possible
But at that time i got my hope up a little bit,
But then again, when we went out, he's not on his usual seat. There's this "chair" that he and his friends would sit, it's near a tree wkwkwk...
So by that time, my hope really lost.
We were about to buy some snacks but there are a lot of people, i mean guys, over there that we decided to went back inside.
When the lesson starts again, my hope came back. And whenever the door opened up, i looked back.
I think it's like the fourth of fifth time when the door opened up that he finally showed up.
I am not wrong. It really is his bag.
I cannot believe my eyes, though it really happened.

Still, better not get my hopes up, cause maybe he just went to that class as a make-up class when he didn't come on monday (my friend said that).

Though he's quite bald now...............................

superstitious or just plain stupid

[quickie post]

i had a dream, last night.
it was about this boy in my cram school
since i'm in the middle of exam week, i've skipped a class.
and today i'm supposed to skip another class too.
but then, the dream happened.
it's a really short dream (well, actually it's quite long but the rest of the dream was total rubbish)
and so in that dream i met my old friend in junior high.
and we're sort of in my friend's car, with a few more people too.
and the weirdest thing happened
my friend told me, "he really wants to see you."
the 'he' stated there was the name of the boy in my cram school.

 i must've thinkng about it too much.
you know, i guess i'm the one who really wants to see him, and so my unconscious self must have made that story up.
but you know, i mean, after this i won't be able to see him again. in the next semester he would change his days. and so i really think today is going to be the last day i'll see him.
but then again, it's plain stupid right? believing in this thing we call heart.
and anyway none of my friends is going to the cram school -_-
so...
i don't know, should i go? aarggggghhh

For Those Who Fell Out of Love

[this post is dedicated to M.S and F.D]

i've been wanting to write about this since weeks ago, but i haven't got the time until today. well, actually i don't really have the time, i kinda pushed it to make it happen. i'll be having Try Out tomorrow and haven't touch anything, so...

i hope that you will feel better after reading this post. i ain't that good with words, but i'll try my best to channel out my feelings.

it's good to fell out of love.

better than me, who just suddenly lost the feeling of loving.
better than me, who didn't even try to do anything.
better than anything i've ever done.

truth is, falling out of love is like a "side dish" that you will get from loving.
it's like the pencil shavings you get from sharpening your pencil.
it's like the stain in kids' shirt when they are eating ice cream.

but one thing that differentiate 'falling out of love' and this 'leftovers' is the memories they left you.

i wrote this because my friends just fell out of love.

one of them have been in love with this guy since last year and her love ended because he likes her friend. best friend. but we can't blame anyone. all she could do is to wish them all the best. and it's very painful to me to see the two of my friend together. maybe it's fine for them, i don't know. but for me it has never been the same ever since MS knew about this. never had, never has but i hope will change someday. it's as if like this kind of thing is taboo to said when the two of them were together with us. few days ago, our friend was talking about that guy, and then MS came and the whole conversation just dropped. i don't like that. and i know none of them like it more than i do. nobody likes it. it hurts. i know i've never been in that position, but i know it hurts since it's so painful being together now.

my other friend have this crush for 3 years. what could i say except that she just got friend-zoned. i can't find the right words to say to her. i never love someone for that long (i don't even think i'm capable of doing that), but i really am so proud of her. she's not like me, who just stare that person from afar and not taking any action, no. FD talked, chatted, and joked around  with him. though it just started not very long ago, but at least they know each other. and actually i don't think that it's a bad thing, being friend-zoned. because just like what i recently found out is that everything, everyone is changing. maybe not now. maybe not next year. but who knows? maybe five or ten years later they will meet each other again, and those feelings came back to her, and the boy? well, maybe he will love her more than she did before.

"do i ever fell out of love?" i asked myself about this, and the answer is "no".
i didn't fell out of love. now that i think about it, my feelings just disappear. and this is worst than falling out of love. at least when you fell out of love, you'll have memories. me? all i feel is emptiness. A hollow left deep inside of my heart.

That's why it's better to fell out of love. It will teach you to love yourself more. Because when you're capable of letting go, of accepting things to happen the way they're supposed to happen, i do think you'll appreciate yourself even just for a tiny bit more.

Fall in love as many time as possible.

I am trying too.

We are never in this alone.

Mostly me

Tonight i'd like to post something that might be quite self-centered (well, it is my blog so....)

I just passed a hectic week of exam.

If you're wondering, the result will be horrible. Perfect disaster.

But still, not the end of the world, so i'm cool with it.

Gw orangnya bukan ga peduli jg sih..

Kalo mikir tentang masa depan, siapa sih yg ga takut?

Masalah nilai sekolah, UN, masuk kuliah, dll, dsb, dkk.

Tapi gw memang orangnya cukup tau aja..

Maksudnya gini,

Klo misalnya bsk ujian nih, dan gw ga belajar krn ga ada mood. Trus bsknya gw ga bs ngerjain, ya gw pertama sekali emang pasti bakal nyalahin diri sendiri knp ga belajar. Tp abis itu? Ya gw santai aja.. Nilainya merah, biru, hijau, ya udah..

Kalo gw belajar, tapi tetep ga bs juga, ya pasrah aja.. Ketawa ajaaa

Mungkin krn sikap gw yg terlalu membawa santai semua ini, kadang gw bs dianggap... Apa ya, kurang serius kali ya. Dan kadang kalo org curhat sama gw, atau lg mencak2 sama org lain, trs cerita ke gw, yg pasti gw bilang itu "ya... jd gmn ya...." Kalo misalnya di chat palingan gw bilang "wkwkwkwk"

Bukan berarti gw ga serius dan sama sekali bukan krn gw ngetawain, tp emang gt cara gw melihat semuanya.. Jangan dibawa ribet.

And i'm also a VERY moody person. Some of you as my friends might already experienced this, and some of you might haven't. 

The truth is, once my mood is ruined, you need to step away.

Like, seriously. Don't even bother to ask me what's wrong, cause everything will be wrong at that time.

I think i've hurt people's feelings because of this... So,

I just want everyone that matters to me, to just leave me be.

Once my mood has cooled down, i'll be sure to go back to the way i used to.

This kind of mood changes will happen a lot. It won't be the last time i was acting like such a jerk.

And i just want you to think about it thoroughly.

If and only if you're sure you could handle being ignored by me for maybe one or two days, then sure, let's be friends.

But if you don't, you should probably stay away from me.

To qoute from tumblr: i'm not anti-social, i'm just pro-me

Aaaaaannndd this is totally random, 

But it's nice to have friends that still accept me after i'm acting like such an assholeeeeeee

I also have this random feeling offf~ wanting to fall in love.,

Maybe it's because i just finished reading this comic, a very good one.. About love.

Buttt then again, if i fall in love, it wouldn't work :))))

Not this time, not next year, not ever.

I'm awkward.

I need months to feel "okay" and another monthss to feel "comfortable"

I'm a coward, i can't start a conversation, i'm not the easiest person to get along with.

I do want to change, i want to be less awkward and all...

But i just think that i've ran out of chances.. Well at least for this year.

I'm just quite uncertain of what to do,

There are times when i feel like everything is beautiful and i want to fall in love and be happy.

But there are also times when i lose faith on love.

It's just that, i ain't seeing people falling in love because of personalities.

I ain't seeing guys that would take time to notice an almost invisible girl like me.

I ain't seeing guys that would take time to get to know a girl, taking it easy, and then shyly confess to the girl he's been liking since forever.
i ain't seein any of this. the reality is: if you're not pretty, then you're nobody.
don't try to say that it's not true, cause that's my reality.
nobody ever convinced me the other way.

of course, me not taking any actions when i'm in love might be one ot the factors too.
but dude, seriously. i'm kind of like an old-fashioned-minded person.
for me, the most important thing is for the person i love to notice my existence.
if he, well, have feelings, he should be the one who starts the conversation.

and that's why my love life is going nowhere.
oh well..