Longing

I think this post would seem too cheesy and...what's the word? yeah, cheesy.

you know, it's not that i want a boyfriend, i absolutely don't mind being single. but, i miss liking a person. talking to my best friend about how cool he looks today and basically every single day. i miss trying to catch a glimpse for that someone, i miss trying to act all cool and composed when i'm around that someone.
i just miss all of that things that make you feel stupid.
but then again
there really seems to be no one in this freaking huge campus that made me have that feeling again.
like, even handsome guys doesn't seem to interest me (well, that's probably because they already have a girlfriend)
and guys in my class (well, maybe not all of them) doesn't seem to have anything... that i find attractive.
let's not talk about appearances because seriously, it's not like i'm even that pretty, but i don't seem to find a guy who likes to make jokes. it feels like they're all trying to look so calm and composed it actually makes me feel grossed.
i don't find guys who listen to, i don't know, Two Door, Arctic Monkeys, KEANE. there really seem to be nothing interesting with guys in my class and surroundings -_-
and most importantly, i NEVER found a guy who READS.
is that common?
is that normal somewhere?
because it seems like no guy in Indonesia likes to read. read novels, poetry, classics, any kind of novel at all. and it saddens me.
like, what the hell did you do for fun? seriously.

oh, and glasses! my personal preference. there's no cool guy in a glasses. none. not even close.
or guy who have good hairstyle, it doesn't have to be a salon cut, but you know.... cool.
and there is absolutely no one who has a nice fashion taste (like the one that i...prefer)
*sigh*
oh and, of course, i prefer older guy so......
i think whoever i found in my class wouldn't interest me anyway lol

this is such an unimportant post, but i really want to share about this.
like, what the hell, bro?
i thought guys in Bandung would be cool and well, cool.

but most than that, i really becoming more interested on finding guy who reads.
seriously.
that would be like, a dream come true.
especially if he read Harry Potter, Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie's novels. Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Classics novel such as The Great Gatsby, The Catcher in the Rye.
a few days ago i found this text picture on tumblr that say something like 'date a girl who reads because bla bla bla and bla bla bla"
i really could relate to it.
and that is why i become obsessed with actually finding a guy who reads.
my father reads. like, seriously. he's the one who introduced me to Agatha Christie's novels and made me a maniac. he reads novels like the samurai or cowboy country-ish novels. and he is freaking cool. i mean it. my father is smart and hilarious at almost all of the time.
my brother seldom reads, but he used to read too. right now he just reads from e-books. i guess that's cool too. at least he reads. and my brother sense of music, seriously? can anyone know as many bands as he is?
my little brother also reads. although he likes to read weird stuff like '100 greatest inventions' but he also read Diary of a Wimpy Kid (mine, of course) cause he's awesome. my lil bro is even taller than my big bro now, and because he's my little brother, he likes to ask me about fashion kinda stuff. so basically, he looks pretty damn good.

and that is why it makes me even harder to find a guy to like because i am surrounded by these awesome guys in my whole life and i just really have too high standards bro :))))
and look at me, i can't even be attractive even if i tried :))
dude....
this turns out to be a depressing post just like all my late posts were.

Thoughts.

I'm thinking of quitting this unit i'm currently in.
it's nothing, really.
but, just as i thought, i'm not good with people.
it's too troublesome, dealing with people.
i feel like, the more people give attention to me, the more i feel like digging myself a hole and never leave it.
don't we all have that one day, one day that makes us feel so worthless, so small, so... i don't know, dejected?
i just had that one day.
maybe it's just me hyper-reacting but right now i really want to shut myself in.
i want to be left alone and just have a moment with myself.
or maybe this is just me missing my mom
or maybe this is just me feeling down because of my exams.
or maybe
just maybe
this is just me running away.

you know, i think i'm the kind of person who could actually fail before i even try.
i sometime wonder do i even know myself.
because it's like i think i'm an ignorant person. but then there are times when people's words could really stabbed me in the chest.
or like i thought i don't ever want to talk to anyone when i'm pissed, but then i will text my best friend.
or like i think i like a person and the next thing i know, i don't even like him/her.

it's like i have a double personality or something -________-
like i said i like ghost stories but at the same time i'm scared of them.
it's all so annoying so i guess this is the right time for me to just quit.
maybe i should stick to what i do best: doing nothing.
maybe it will be better for all humankind.

Faker

It's funny how we could be so wrong about people.
Or we could really see how they truly are just by a month.
I never considered myself as a nice person. No.
I just keep my promises. When i promised something, i keep it.
Even when i have to wait for half an hour or an hour, i'll keep it.
I know that some people are not as mature as, well, me.
But acting like an asshole is not right even if you're a kid.
Seriously.
If we could just cut off our relation with other people, just like with a snap of a finger, oh how i'd love to break it apart.
Not just once.
I can understand if you took credit for what i taught you. I could understand you want to be seen as a smart KID.
But then again, i just want to say, you suck.
Oh please, if you want to stab someone, don't stab them in the back. Just face them head on.
Keep acting like that, it's fine.
It won't change my attitude towards you, i ain't gonna make myself a jackass because of some kid. Nope, i will still just be me.
I will always keep my promises
But fyi, i will never consider backstabber as a friend. Not now, not ever.


Geez, what a kid.

Spoiled

Seriously, my dad has been spoiling me for these past few days.
He said he wanted to make sure that i have everything i needed before i went to Bandung.
the first thing he bought me is this b-e-a-utiful watch:

Well, I've been asking for the new watch since, like, the National Exam ended. My old magnificent watch has rest in peace. i really love that big watch...

Anyway, and then Dad said there's no way I can use a netbook when I entered Uni, so he bought me this:

It's a 13 inch Macbook Pro with retina display ._.

i seriously can't believe he actually bought it for me (and on the left side of the laptop is a 1 TB external hard disk)

when dad asked me what laptop i wanted he asked like this: 'so, what kind of laptop do you want, Mac?'

i laughed it off cause i don't think he mean it.

and then, of course i asked my genius/freak tech bro's opinion about this matter.

he told me to get Macbook Pro because it's really good for designing and stuffs. i'll need it for my major.

well, so yesterday, we bought it.

and let me tell you this: having a genius/freak tech bro is something i really need to be grateful for.

Mac is seriously a pain in the stomach when you've been using Windows for years.

there's a lot of incompatibility with the whole operating system... you can only Read your external stuffs because most of those stuffs have a Windows system.

anyway, i just leave it my brother's hand, and, VOILA! i can Read & Write my external hard disk, i have Office for Mac, Speed downloader (they haven't make Internet Download Manager for Mac yet) and stuffs... i really am thankful.

and lastly, today i got this:

actually i fell in love with another shoes near this. BUT

sadly, it's for men. and their minimum size is 39 (6 in USA) while my size is 5.

*sigh*

 so in the end i still need to choose from the women.
it's still cool though, this is the coolest in the rack (i think)

but then it all comes to the realisation that i really am going to leave my lil bro and my dad and my mom behind.
i've been thinking about this
and i decided not to cry when we part (well, we're going to see each other soon in December anyway)
because this is my DREAM. i need to show them that i'll treasure this opportunity God has given me.
and i know it's going to be way, way, WAY tougher for me.
but
God let me in
so He will definitely see me out.
He'll guide me through
that's one thing i know for sure.

i've been packing my stuffs and it's kinda hard. i know i can't bring my whole bedroom, so it's hard... i really need to think this through.
and my novels, oh dude...

i need to choose some (and by 'some' i mean 'very few') novels to bring. there's like three novels already in Bandung, but i would seriously need more.

and the clothes. phew, the clothes......

i literally emptied my wardrobe, lol.

tomorrow i plan to go to Monique's house... we'll see each other in Bandung soon but, well, i can't go without seeing her face first.

Ila and Ciripah can't come. i could definitely still see Ciripah in Bandung, but Ila is staying at Medan so we'll probably see each other less.....

too bad, but, well.. can't help it.

everyone's busy.

I will miss: Mam, Papa, Uli, my desk lamp, my black cat doll from Monique, my guitar replica i got from Bali, the lunchbox i got from Monique, my desk, my notes, my bookcase, my novels!, my bed, my bedcover, my dvds, our fishes, my AC, my bedroom wall............

Up All Night

Okay, this is really crazy for me. Right now it's 5 AM in the morning and i haven't had even a minute of sleep.
Yesterday morning i had a can of Nescafe Latte. Later around 9 PM we went to a cafe and i ordered a 32oz glass of ice caramel mocchiato. AND THEN i drank (around 11 PM) a tiny carton of Nescafe caramel.
This is the result.
This is like my first time not having a sleep at all.
I watched a movie at 2 AM and then at 4 i tried to sleep but my brain keep talking and making up stories in my head and before i knew it, i could hear my mom is cooking in the kitchen right now.
Fffffffffffff
You know, sleep is such a big deal for me. Really.
Major problem.
Though now i know why a cup or glass of coffee won't have any effect on me. It's because i need THREE (glass, carton and can).
Maybe this is good for future references. Because i clearly won't be getting that much sleep in uni life.
But dude! DUDE.
I DIDN'T HAVE ANY SLEEP.
i'll probably drop dead asleep during mid day but well....
This is... Something.
I really can't sleep.
This is the first time coffee had an effect on me.
My mind kept on running like on a marathon.
I don't even think i make any sense right now, but this is a big deal.
My record was 2 AM. It never get past that.
And right now i don't have any sleep.
I tried sleeping, God knows i did.
Man, this is.....
Epic.

I'm a sucker for cute stuffs.

I don't even realized it myself, but i guess i've been collecting cute stuffs for quite a while....
The 'cute' stuffs in my category might be quite...... different though.
I like collecting papers, cute notebooks... To put it simply, stationery stuffs....?
I don't even use those notebooks i bought.
I just keep them on my desk's drawer.
I also like collecting boxes....
I know, it's really odd
Anyway today i went to Gramedia, a bookstore, and got lost in an awe.
There's a sale of notebooks (for school) and memos..
Anyway i got caught in the notebook stall.
IT'S SUPERRR CUTEEEE
everything is so cute.. The coverrr *love*
But the inside is pretty much....usual?
Anyway before i realized it, i've picked 4 notebooks
But then i came to my sense (more like, i just realized that i'm going to pay with my own money) so in the end i only bought one.
It's hard to pick which one, but since i'm a loyal person, i bought the blue one.
It's more simple than the rest but simple is good, right?
Anywaay i really can't stand cute stuffs, ya knoww~
I'm a sucker for cute stuffs
I'm also a sucker for antique stuffs (like old books)
I bought a very old book yesterday, it's very cheap.
Though the cover is....not really readable anymore, but the inside is still pretty good.
I don't really know the story but i bought it since the genre is Mystery.
Turns out it was a series *sigh*
I think i might just try to make it my new collection...but i need to finish my Agatha Christie's first... I just bought another 4 of her novels. So my Agatha Christie's novel has reached 71!!! Woo hoo!
I think i want to talk about something else too, but i forgot -_-
Well, i guess i'll post it when it came back to my mind.

Gratitude

You could say it's a little bit late
and maybe it's annoying for me to keep saying about this stuff.
i know that some of my friends failed the test
and you may think that it's an insensitive or rude of me but
for me this is one step closer to my dream.
of course i'll be talking about this a LOT.

so anyhooo~

i got accepted to my dream university, Institute of technology Bandung.
to my dream major, Architecture
to my dream city, Bandung.

i think i've been dreaming about this since i was in junior high school.
i dreamt of getting to SMAN3 Bandung, the perfect high school (i think at that moment).
i took the test
and i failed.
i was devastated.
i thought that SMAN3 Bandung is the only way to enter ITB.
i thought that because i failed the test, i won't be able to continue my dream.

and then i went to Sutomo High School in Medan.
it was..... terrible.
i don't like the town, i don't like the environment, i don't think i could find anything that i'd like from that school.
but then, of course, i got used to it.
i found one thing that made me sane, that is my best friends.
okay, i kinda get out of tracks...

anyway, suddenly i'm a third year.
i start thinking about my dream again. and maybe i wasn't that hopeless as i thought i was.
right from the moment i entered third year, i went to cram school.
it started with 2 days a week. and ever since Jan it become 3 days a week.
after the national exam it became every single day except Sunday. oh wait, we have try out on Sunday, so, yeah, everyday.
my Try Out results never reached the goal. i NEVER passed the Try Out.
i did panicked.

and then the examination days arrived.
the first day, i thought i did it quite well.
out of 75 questions on Academic Potential Test i did around 35.
when i asked my friends, some of them could actually answered 50.
i was devastated.
although i answered all the questions in English and Indonesian Language (15 questions each) but i only answered 6 (out of 15 too) on Math.

and then the second day really made me down.
out of 15 questions each, i only answered:
Math Science - 6
Physics - 5
Biology - 6
Chemistry - 7
and i'm not even confident that they're all correct.
i cried after the exam.
i said to my mom, "mom, would it be okay if i didn't pass?"
it was terrible.

even after that, i tried another exam from private university in Bandung and though i passed, it's not the major that i wanted. i was going to take another exam on 21st of July, i already signed up.
my parents already supported me to take the test on the 21st.
i even tried to prepare.

on the day of the result, i checked it later than my cousin who's waiting on the result too on purpose.
just as i thought, he passed.
though it was his 3rd choice, but he still passed.
that made me even more not wanting to check on my result.
i really have surrendered everything to God.
and i even prayed to Him about stuff like, "please let me be strong enough to accept no matter what the result You gave me."
"please help me to understand that you'll always give me the best."
and now i'm embarrassed that i had a doubt on my God.
He's the almighty.
well after i checked the result and i passed, i started shaking and finally cried.
while crying, i called my mom. she's still on her way home with dad.
she thought i failed because i was crying.
well i told her that i passed.
after that i prayed to God and said three words over and over again. 'thank you Lord'
when she arrived home, she hugged me. and we cried together. lol.
it was epic
the joy..

nobody believed i could pass, not even myself.
even after a few days i still couldn't really believe that i passed.
i know it's still a long way to my dream.

but yeah, turns out i passed for the public university of my dream.

i'm ashamed of myself for not having that much faith.
i look back at my birthday wishes from my friends, most of them said this 'hope you pass in ITB.' 'all the best for ITB.' and stuff like that
and it hit me.
i guess it's all because of their prayer and wishes and my tiny hope that God let me enter.
i just can't say Thank you enough to everyone.
but i really want to say it.

and maybe i'll get lost along the way
but this. i hope this will always pull me back to the right track.
this feeling of gratitude...