Apology and Goodbye

I once read a quote on Tumblr that said something like this "wanna know who your real friends are? messed up, and see who's still there."
I always thought i wanna do something like that. not to tested my friends, but to ease myself that i didn't pick the wrong friends. and last year, well, at the end of last year, i had that chance.
i messed up, I'm being self-centered and arrogant and act like a jerk. but thanks to that, i really found out the people who understand me and accepted me.
i know, i act arrogant, i'm sorry. i'm a jerk.
i know, i used some strong words, i'm sorry. i'm a jerk.
i know, i have became very selfish, i'm sorry. i'm a jerk.
and i certainly know if you don't like me anymore, then, goodbye.
i'm seeing all of the things that have happened in a new point of view.
i won't regret doing the things that i've done.
because sooner or later, they will hate me.
yeah, i'm not being honest to them all of this time. so i'm sure if they found out about my secret in the future, they'll hate me even more.
sooo, why don't they just hate me right now, lost contact, ignore each other. and the next time they found out about that secret, they'll be like "whatever, i don't care, i'm not her friend anymore."
yeah, i really do think that is the best solution.
they're busy with their new life anyway. so why should i stuck in the past all alone by myself? i should move on too.
I don't think i have the mood and courage and even a slightest bit of excitement to see them in the future.
right now,

I'm going to be an egoist.

random post

"Sleep comes to me, but I keep waking up
I eat, but I can't digest it
These days, I'm just like this
How are you?"

"Whenever I see you, the sun shines down on my dark feelings
and makes me feel lovely again."

"I can't sleep at the thought of my mistake,
I'm a fool for thinking that I'd be okay
Today, no, even tomorrow
I won't be able to live without you."

"I thought you'd always be on my side."

"I sleep to the thought of you and wake up thinking of you."

"Am I the only one like this?
Is it supposed to be like this?
I'm just here,
not be able to do anything on my own
Are you really going to be like this?"

"Anyone would fall in love with you upon first glance."

"Am I the only one like this?
Is it only my heart that's like this?
I'm just here,
not be able to do anything on my own
Are you really going to be like this?"

"I keep telling time to go by faster while lying to myself,
that I'm okay."

"Obsessing over you just makes me more pathetic."

"Even though I toss away all my memories
You are smearing into my daily routines, my life."

"I feel like I'm being pathetic thinking like this."

"You keep walking, that doesn’t mean time passes
You keep breathing, that doesn’t mean you’re alive"

"They’re telling me that afterwards
I will smile recalling the past"

"Don’t say that tomorrow is the new day
Don’t say that after a storm comes the calm
Everything is a mess
It’s spring again to you but my season don’t change"

SMEXY (Smokin' Sexy)

uhm.. hi.

so..... it's awkward.

anyway, there's this guy.. mehehehe..

he's been quite an "eye refreshment" in my class. he's really smart, totally. he used to be in the acceleration class, but he dropped out from there and enter the plus class instead. i have always thought he's good looking but at the same time cute when i first saw him.

the first time he entered our classroom, his hair was quite long, which surprised me. because, really, boys will loke more attractive if their hair is not only 1 cm long. and his hair was sort of messy yet... alluring.

ekhem *clears throat*

anyway, because he entered our class in the middle of a semester, he was putted at the last of our class number, which... used to be mine.

my class number is 52, and his is 53.

soooo, we sits next to each other in computer lab, english lab. and we're in the same group at physics lab, and chemistry lab. and ever since that, my shcool life changed. wkwk.. we somehow got to know each other even though we didn't formally introduce ourselves.

so, today is our chemistry lab. something, well, something big for me, happened.

our group consist of 4 persons, and while the other two are busy taking some ingredients and stuff, me and this guy stays on our table. we're writing the our own lab report. and then suddenly he called me, he wanted to borrow my ruler. of course i gave it, duh. that's not the main point of this story. so when he called me, i looked up from my paper, and there it is.

we wore this lab coat right? and so there's our uniform beneath our lab coat. and guys, first of all, i'm not the kind of girl who have some pervy mind, no. i don't like looking at guy topless, especially with sixpack, ugh-_-

and so, this guy's uniform button is... you know..... ah, i have to continue in indonesian, too dangerous.

kt kan ada kancing paling atas yg dkt kerah itu, yg bikin smua org yg ngancingin itu keliatan sangat culun.

enggak, dia gak ngancingin kok. tapi ntah kenapa. entah kenapa. jarak kancing paling atas ke kancing kedua nya itu terasa terlalu jauh. jadi... ya bagian leher nya lebih ke bawah dikit itu terbuka. open, men. open. dan itu tiba2 terlintas kata yg ga pernah terlintas di otak gw. "seksi". gak boong gw men. itu sangat... ughh.. meeeh... gaaah... braaaaah... uoooo. gak sampe kelietan itu tulang apa itu.. selangka. yg di dpn tulang belikat (anak biologi banget). skin. kulitnya itu men, putih kyk susu. trs suasananya itu. berdua doang. dan wah, gw asli sepichles. itu terlalu membuat jantung gw... serasa berhenti berdetak.

i am not brave enough to tell his name, yet.. wkwkwk kapan2 deh.

Negative Thought

Okay, so today I want to let out my negative thought in this blog. It's been bugging my mind for quite some times and I can't hold it anymore.
I want to tell you about this crazy society we live in.
I believe people like to talk about this, and we've all heard about it:
"Inner beauty is more important than Outer beauty."
Well, that's bullshit.
Seriously, have you ever see that happened? like, really, in front of your eyes?
We're all hypocrites. We don't look for inner beauty, not if their outer appearance sucks. That's reality.
If they don't look good on the outside, you won't even bother to know their inside.
Just like buying books, if the cover is not good, you won't even bother to look at the synopsis.
If you don't read the synopsis, you wouldn't even know what that book is all about.
And if you don't know anything about the book,
most certainly, you won't buy it.
Just as simple as that.
Right now I'm in rage to anyone who keeps saying that Inner beauty beats Outer beauty and stuffs like that.
Dude, I live in this world, and I ain't see people doing that shit.
what the hell is wrong with this world?!
and I know it's hard to not judging someone by their appearance, but we all did that.
deep down inside, when we see someone, we've given them this 'opinion' that's not fair at all.
we don't even know them, and we don't even bother to try to know them, yet we've judged them.
it's a cruel world we live in

that's just some of the nature of humans.

Wow i really miss this place. I feel like years had passed since the last time i updated this blog.

A lot of things had happened, a lot of things had brought me down, brought me happiness, some random shit called exam is happening, the war is on going, and i know there's going to be a lot more in the future.

The thing is, i had given up liking '19'.

And ever since that, it's never the same. I don't know what i feel anymore. It feels... Empty. It does sounds exaggerating but i swear that's exactly how i feel.

Actually, we had found someone to 'idolize' again, like we used to be with 'Ronaldo' if any of you still remember. He's a first year, yes, he's Chinese. And....... He somehow (and i really don't like it) ended up in the same class as Ronaldo -_-

His name is Freddy. He's not, like, REALLY handsome. I mean, if you just saw him for a split second, he's just normal.. but. When you stop and stare at him for a while, he's flawless. Really. And he got this kind of really sharp eyes when he looks around. Ugh, it's so heart-throbbing.

Uhm, and yeah, he already noticed that we (me, monique, ila, ciripah) are madly in love with him.

Oh God, there's one time when we're peeking to see if he's inside the classroom and he actually looked outside. At us. With his sharp eyes. Melted.

He's just... Different. He's smart. Srsly. We (well, to be honest, it's me) kinda tried to know more info about him and so i looked into our school's website to find it. He's a new kid so he need to took an exam to enter our school, and so anyway we found out that he's really smart.

Even in the morning sometimes we'll see him reading a book. Yes, he actually studies. And he's not like some jerk we like back then, he did not try to stay away from us, i mean, he's just like 'well whatever'. And he's so coooool and he only got this one dude as his friend. I mean, tottally. He went almost everywhere with him.

I thought that being a fan to Freddy will somehow filled this emptiness. But, i just realized today, that it didn't.

Today i 'saw' 19. Well, actually, my friend did. We're walking to the front gate to go back home. And she dragged me with her, passing this table. Monique was walking behind me, and i was talking with her. And it's hard talking to our back, so i turned my body a little bit and i continue on talking:

"ko ada uang nik?!" and Monique didn't reply so i said it again with a louder voice.

"ko ada uang nik?!!"

And that's when i realized right in front of my face (which i turned to my left) it's him. Right there. Sitting and talking with his friend. It's not far from the place i stood. And he looked at me. Maybe. I guess. But i think it's just for a split second.

Why did i wrote this? Because now, that's the only thing that got stuck in my head. That's the only thing i've been thinking about since i went home

So i realized, i still care about what he may think.. And i still care about how i look in front of him. And it hurts a lot. All this time i've only been hiding my true feelings.

But i'm too heart broken already to continue on liking him. I didn't exist in his world, i should've known better.

Oh yeah, did i forgot to mentioned that i have deleted him as my friend on facebook? It's like a month ago.

i've given up. i'm empty. i'm hopeless. i'm a coward. i'm a loser. i'm a quitter. i've already lose before the war even started.

thank you for being a part of my story

i know,

i know, it's been more than a month since my last post...
wkwkwk.. i just don't know what to write.
it's been kinda quiet (READ: extremely busy) days.. but now, i've got several things to announce.

1st:
I quit, I give up from liking 19.
WHY???!!
well, now that i've became an 11th grader, i don't see him that much ._.
you know, my class is on the 1st floor, while his is on the 4th floor. of course, every recess i went to the 4th floor to see my old clasmates (i even think they got sick of seeing my face LOL) but he's always, like ALWAYS, inside of his classroom.
and even when i happened to came accros him on the stairs or wherever, my heart doesn't beat that fast anymore... it's just like POOF! all the feelings just disappear.
no more feelings, just memories.

2nd:
i do hope you guys still remember Ronaldo.
yeah.... he's so hot.
like, totally. now he's a 10th grader, and his class is on the same floor like my friends. and him wearing a high school uniform is like oh my gawddd..
but don't worry, we don't like him like the old time anymore.. it's really just like a refreshment for our eyes. and he already got a person he likes.
sometimes we saw him after our extra class because he entered one too.. yeah, his appearance is flawless. too bad his personality sucks.

3rd:
I'm in love with this newbie boyband called Teen Top they just released they 1st mini album, and all of their songs is just......


this is the one that i really love

his full name is Ahn Daniel, they just called him Niel. aaaaaaaaaaaaaa~
another one is him:


he's more like the manly type you know? his name (well, his stage name) is L.Joe

4th:
lastly, SUPER JUNIOR IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!
they just released their 5th album. oh GAWWWWWWWWWWWWDD



yeah, wicked.

there's this translation of a song that i just read. the title is "Good Friends"
this is the part that kinda got me:

I was so tense the first day. I wasn’t able to say anything.
At that time I never thought we would have so many days together.

aaaand this:

There will come a day when we will have to separate.
We might not be able to see one another.
When that happens, our memories will give us strength until the day we are able to meet again.

Truly, I hope me and my best friends can do that. I hope we'll have a long relationship together. I hope my child/children can meet them, and I'll introduce them as my very best friends. And I miss them a lot.