Appreciation Post

Man, I said this on my last post too but

Being friend with me is tiring. Really. No joke.
I'm the most emotionally unstable, moody, negative, and annoying person I know.

I suck at holding on to conversation. I suck at basic knowledge in relationship.

It's easy for me to get pissed off all of a sudden and distance myself. And I hate this stubborn side of mine. I will take the most insignificant thing people said and tortured myself with it.

That is why I feel like I need to appreciate the people who still think of me as a friend.

The one who sometimes chat me out of nowhere to show me the video of an artist she's in love currently. Even though we haven't chat for months. There's no "how are you" and all that mundane thing. Like we could always jump straight into this topic to another topic to another topic. And we would stop just like that. And continue another time just like that. Thank you. We have been friends for more than 10 years I guess and I hope we could continue for another 10 years and more.

The one whom I know since my darkest year: High School. University hits us hard and there were time we don't see each other in one whole year. There were time when we stopped talking too for months. But you're there for me whenever I'm throwing tantrum. Whenever I feel like shit by myself, you lower yourself down to make me feel like shit together with you (this is an appreciation post, really). Last year of university has finally hit us hard. You with your job finding and me, still hasn't graduate yet :)))) I am sorry I can't be there during your graduation ceremony. I will video call, promise. I hope you will stay as my friend no matter how annoying and negative I am in the present and future.

To all my friends I never even talk to anymore but whenever they're in town or I'm in theirs always hit me up and ask to meet up. I am sorry in advance if I reject your invitation, being a shut-in introverted person as I am. But please know that I always would want to meet with you guys. It's just that sometimes the most negative side of me took over and I will feel unworthy in meeting any of you guys.

Yesterday I threw another tantrum and I feel like I will lose another "friend". Well it's not like I'm that close with her/them(?) but it still hurts. That's why I don't like people. When they betray your expectation you don't know where you should point this anger in your heart.

To them? but it's not like they're the one that give you this unreasonable expectation.

To myself? but I should've known better that people sucks and I shouldn't have any expectation or whatever.

I keep telling myself that I will limit myself to people who cares, to people whom I hold precious. But I always got hurt like this and I never learn.
And, yes, this person is one of the person I stated on my last post. Finally, right? Well, they've graduated anyways it's not like I will meet them anymore. I should put an end into this as soon as I can.

This year I have lost one friend whom I used to hold dear. I guess here's another one.

がっかり

I wonder if I've put on my mask for too long people thought I'll never get serious.

The thing is, having fun people around you sure is fun and stress-free but there will be time when you don't feel like laughing along.
I have never see myself as a fun person, in fact I know I'm not a fun person. I overthink, oversensitive, overstressed
But of course I won't show that when I'm with my friends having fun. I know how to read the mood.
But this week has just been such a solitary week that I have time to overthink. I feel like being in my final year, I need to get a grip.

Dude, being an architecture student is no joke. Especially when you look around you and see the progress others have made and how little you've done and how much your parents trust that you are doing your best and how supportive your prof to you. Those things make you feel like shit. No joke.
And I don't even need to reflect, I know I need put my feet back to the ground.

And not having even a friend that would understand and at least try to understand that is... disappointing.
I feel like I chose the wrong people and that's heartbreaking.
I mean if they don't feel the same they could at least fake a nod or something instead of making fun of me.
It's enough that I feel like shit by myself, I don't need to feel like shit with them too.

Today I feel like I've reached some sort of a climax. Like "nah, I can't take this anymore".
Ridicule me, laugh at me, I seriously don't give a damn. I thought I could be my serious self with them too and turns out I'm wrong.

I feel like shouting at myself.

What a fool.
I'm such a joke.

Where have my so-called pride of entering "the best" university in Indonesia?
Does all the sacrifices my parents made for me means nothing?
They say there's no need to panic and being stressed by yourself.

Really?

I panic for the fact that they're not panicking.
I think you can "leave the timing to God" when you've done the best you can.
Have you?

Have I?

This kind of thinking makes me feel like it's better to be off alone.
Not having friend is better than having friends who you can't be yourself with.

I miss having friends I can do stupid things with and be serious at times too.
There' this thing called balance.
And it's important for you not to fall.

I'm already tired of putting a fake smile.

People do stupid things when they're in love

I heard those phrases often enough that i wonder how human brain actually works

The thing is, i think some people misunderstood the phrase and it pushes them to an extremely disturbing relationship
I think when people are in love the things they consider stupid are stupid for the fact that they have never encountered them before
It does not mean you should stick with someone who abuses you in a relationship or simply doesn't treat you right because you THINK you love them
That is not what the term 'stupid' means
At least that's what i think

Why do people let other people hurt them and still think that they're a good person?
Here's the fact:
I don't like being hurt and i thought other people feels the same, like it's a basic human emotion thingy
Yeah sure i know there are all sorts of people out there and some of them calls themself a masochist but
I still think that they don't actually want to get hurt hurt

At least i believe people has something like defense mechanism inside their brain somewhere
Whether it's for physical pain or mental pain

I honestly does not like being hurt
Like physically or mentally
Both has the same amount of pain to me
And being a coward such as me, i chose to run away from the people that might hurt me
The problem with that is i never know what lies on the other side
When you want to get something you might face all sorts of blunders but the reward you'll get at the end of the day is what keeps you going

The thing with love is: you don't know whether there'll be a 'reward' or if it's just gonna be a road full of pure pain

You don't know whether after all those desperate attempts it's going to be worth it
And so i have always choose the painless journey
The boring and calming journey
And i have never regret my decision of chosing them, at least not so far..
If it's about career i know i'll always have God at my side so i could still go on through all those rocky roads
But love...?

Maybe it's my mental age talking but i still don't see the need for me to be commited to another human being and spent most of my time with them
Like i just want to sleep and read and watch and enjoy my solitary in peace with a constant interruption from my family and friends

I honestly think this is not such a terrible way to live. Sure, it might be boring. But i like being boring. To the point where when people ask me what am i going to do this weekend they already have an answer on the back of their head

Ah, i bet she's going to spend the rest of the weekend reading and slacking around the house

Tearful Pray

The rain pours down as we leave the hospital.

It started out as a drizzle then it turns heavy the closer we got to home.

I cried at the hospital and I cried again on our way home, hiding my face so no one can see.

I entered the ICU by myself this morning.
There are hoses everywhere. Several monitors. Ompung's eyes are closed.
I walk closer to his right side. I can feel tears welled up in my eyes.
I hold his hand, now so thin and fragile. I tighten my grasp.
And then slowly ompung opens his eyes.

I greeted him.

He keeps on staring at the ceiling.
I caress his right hand.
And then I start massaging ompung's leg.

Suddenly, ompung coughed.
Ompung looks like he's in a lot of pain trying to cough.
One of the monitor's light turn red for a second, then orange, then neutral again.
I panicked. I called the nurse but the nurse did not seem to hear my choked up voice.
I move closer to ompung again.

This time I whispered to him that my brothers send their wishes, they hope ompung will get well soon.
Ompung still look straight up, but his eyes become teary.
At that moment I couldn't held my tears any longer. I returned to his legs and start massaging it again. Left, right, left, right.
And then entered my aunt.

You have no idea how emotional I get when my aunt enter. She came in and start whispering all sort of soothing words to ompung, though it sounds more like a dagger stabbed in my heart.
Ompung closes his eyes slowly as my aunt landed a kiss on his right cheek.
My tears pour heavier.
And then I don't know whether it's the nurse or guard but he said that the visiting time is over.
We said our goodbye.
When we let go of our hand, ompung tried to raise his left hand. I hold his hand once again, caress it.
And then we got out.

I have never been a very religious person and I have made a lot of mistakes, and I sin.
I know my place. Who am I to ask even for another second for ompung's life if God has decided to call him home? Who am I to beg?

I don't deserve to be ompung's granddaughter. I'm just a piece of shit. I got annoyed when ompung calls to ask when I'll get home. I got pissed when his respond is slow. I got mad when he doesn't listen to what we said, even though it's for his own sake. I'm such a hypocrite. I should be gone before him. I should've treated ompung better. I should've be more patience. I should've been a better granddaughter. A garbage like me should just die.

A piece of useless shit like me can't even make him proud.

From the moment I was born, ompung boru and doli is my only grandparents. My grandparents from my dad's side is no longer in this world when I was born.
I remember how we always look forward to holiday in Bandung back when we're still living in Malaysia. Because Bandung means family. Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Ompung.

I know everyone has a time limit. And I know ompung has been fighting so hard for these last ten days. But... I still don't want him to go. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Just a little bit longer. Let me treat him better. Let me make him proud. Let me be his granddaughter a little bit more.


Lord, give me another chance.

Please let us take him back to our house...

I don't want to part with him yet.

Lord I'm begging you..

People (人)

Was it two days ago? Ah, no, it was three days ago.

It was a peaceful daily day for others, but, well at least to me it was hell.

I only had one hour sleep that day (and that was because i forced myself to sleep).

Yeah, it was the deadline for our final project this semester. F-ing architecture school.

Anyway, that's not what I want to talk about. After I finished with the presentation (don't ask me how it went) and other stuffs, I went to get lunch with my friend.

It's been a while since we ate together even though our desks in studio are just back to back.

Before long, another friend of us showed up. She ended up joining us for talk after lunch.

We talked from the most trivial thing to somewhat more personal stuffs.

I... always remind myself not to be a judgemental person. Mostly because I hate being judged. That's why this is not a judgemental post. I just... found out more about my friends.

I don't know if this has been known but I prefer to be a background person. Like, seriously. I don't mind not being acknowledge by the people I don't care about. Whatever people I don't know think about me, I honestly don't mind.

So our conversation that day ended up to a direction I'm not too comfortable about.

My two friends are talking about their reaction when people do bad or unpleasant stuff to them.

I don't really...

Okay, anyway they said when somebody did something bad to them, they would make those people pay, the same amount of 'pain' or more. My friends said they absolutely won't settle for less. And then they added that they feel some kind of satisfactory when they get their 'revenge'.

I never said I'm a kind person, nope. I'm just indifferent.

I don't care if somebody did something bad to me, because most probably I don't care about that person.

So I was kinda taken aback with what my friends said...

I... used to be pissed whenever my mom could still be so kind when our relatives treat her wrong. But now, I think I could actually say to my past self that I was such a kid.

Was it age talking (omg, I'm not even that old), or was it because my mom really did a great job raising me, or was it because God's words finally come to my consciousness, like I would know something like that...

It's just once again I'm bewildered by the nature of some people.

I never understand the point of revenge. Whenever I got pissed, it'll be washed away after I fell asleep.

You're wasting your energy for stuffs like revenge. Rather than that, wouldn't it be better to focus on improving yourself? Your parents raised you to at least be a decent human being.

I have tons of aspects in my life I need to improve on. For the time being, I myself can't be sure whether I'm a decent human being or not.

I don't have time for people I don't care.

That's just that.

Supernatural (n)

Why is it that humans tend to disagree on matters they cannot understand; things that are unfathomable.

This thought came to be a few days ago when me and my family was on our way somewhere I can no longer recall.
My mom was looking at something on her Facebook wall and suddenly said,
"There are still people who believe in things like aliens..."

Don't misunderstand, I don't believe nor do I have anything against supernatural things.
It's just I always think that I'm an open-minded person. Or at least I would like to be an open-minded person.
From aliens to archangels and demons and reaper or stuffs.
I breathe fiction.
Like, my whole (mental) life has been built on fiction.

But

The more I read, the more I fantasise, the more I write, the more I imagine, the more I want to run away from my reality.
I guess it's a given. Hell, it would've been weird if I didn't think of that.

Isn't it nice to live in a fantasy world?
To be able to create a whole different dimension where you'll never get hurt.
Where you don't have to suffer.
Where everything will be alright.
Where you feel like you belong.
.
.
.
Where you finally be able to love yourself?

"Tragedies nowadays aren't popular--"
That was something I read in a comic book.
I wonder if supernatural beings could be considered tragedies?

I mean, the fact that we need to categorise it into a certain category seems a little bit sad.
This is (most) probably my mind rambling but I really want to drawn myself in fantasy.
Down,
down,
down,
into the deep sleep.
Let me dream forever.
Where werewolves can roam through the avenue.
Where succubus sell flowers and chat merrily with a tanuki.
And there will be an orthrus taking care of it house.

I'm not making any sense...
I never did anyway.

The point is:
People need to have more imagination.

Countdown of sort

It's 21.42 right now where I'm writing this post. It's 10th of May.

If anyone reading this know when is my birthday, yes, it is about the end of my teenage years.

It's tomorrow.

And I don't know, back when I was like 17, I read this post my cousin wrote about the unimportant worry of being 'old' and I thought, 'hell yea, it's not something to be afraid of.'

But

It is different when you're the one experiencing it.

I thought I'm ready.

I thought I can face this upcoming birthday head on, you know...

but I don't.

I'm scared.

I don't know if I'm going to make the right decisions in my life or if I would still be as immature and dependent as I am right now.

I don't know how I am going to cope with adulthood with my very, very, laid back personality -- my nonchalant ways of living.

I am genuinely horrified of what's going to happen.

You would think that because of my nonchalant persona i would not worry about this--this shifting in my self. but I do, I really do.

I have never embraced changes my whole life. no. well, most of the times.

and this it the first time I won't be celebrating it with my family. It's something very big for me.

Made me realised, 'the first of how many?'

Face the truth, we all are going to go our separate ways in the end. so, like, maybe this is the beginning of the intersection.

And I better stop myself right now before the fear sinks in to my body

Architecture Student

Greetings humans!
So after I got in to my dream major and dream university, I started my first week as an Architecture student.
Unlike any other SANE universities, we entered our major on our 2nd year. The 1st year is basically "High School: One Last Time".

Anyway....

As being said, about three days before the new term started, we need to meet our 'caretaker', I have no idea what's the word for a-lecturer-that's-in-charge-of-you-for-the-whole-year so let's just call it a caretaker for now.
There're 20ish of us under the guidance of our caretaker.
So he gave us plenty of advice and some stories about what's gonna happen with us from that moment on.
And at some point, what he said really struck me.
I don't quite remember the exact words, but the bottom line is something like this:

"From now on, you guys WILL be not normal."

"Why? Because you're going to be an architect."

At first I was like, "exaggerating much?". But, boy, I've never been so wrong in my life....

My first day as an AR student:

We got in at 7 AM, went to a class full of 100ish students, got divided into group, had some briefing.

And then we went out at around 10 or 11 to a certain place we've been assigned to. 

Take measurement of the building, sketch it, went back to the studio, and...f-ing draw that shit.

We need to make the floor plan, perspective drawing of the building, and some other stuff I don't even understand. And then there's one more class which is pretty................boring good. It's pretty good.

:)

2nd day, couldn't get any worse right?

Wrong.

First class start at 7, at the end of the class we got a task which is to read a chapter 2 of a certain book and make a resume of it.

And then we head back to the studio and start to at least draw a line on a piece of paper.

The last class, at 1PM, split us into yet another group and the assignment is to find a building, appreciate it by making a report out of it and also interview the architect.

Awesome, just awesome.

3rd day, which is today is not getting any easier.

Yet the same old 7AM, we got into class (the same class every single day.) and then got into another group. Assignment: design a gazebo. Make a floor plan of it and then build its scale model with a material of wood AND bamboo.

During the short (actually it's three and a half hour) introduction class, we got shoved on some AMAZING physics stuffs, LOTS of terms on building construction. And we need to apply it on our scale model.

AWESOME. JUST AWESOME.

Tomorrow will be the fourth day.........of yet another day at the studio and its surroundings.

I really don't go out that much dude,

Becoming more unsocialable than I already am.

I have to do those mountain of shi-- assignments......

Okay......

Good bye, world......

Hope

When was the last time I bought a romance novel?

Probably 5 or 6 years ago.

That was then.

Now is this.

When I saw this- this stack of papers glued on that yellow paper, I fell in love (if you could actually fall in love with a book).
Anyway, maybe it's the yellow colour or maybe it's the writing on the cover.

'A heartwarming everyday tale of boy stalks girl...'

You see, that particular word I tilted was the word that caught my attention most. It kinda hit me.

Not because I'm a stalker, oh gosh, no. Though in some particular ways I probably am.

Not the kind of creepy stalker following you everywhere you go.

Just, you know, the 'normal' stuffs. Like I'll search for my crush's profile on Facebook and would or would not look around their photos (depends on the relationship status, really).

But, moving on. I'm not the kind of person that just buy a book- a novel- a romance novel just because of the cover.

I flipped it over and read the synopsis. Now we're talking about some insight.

There's something, in those words (probably) carefully chosen and (cautiously) arranged that... that made me feel something in my stomach.

Anyway, after 7 months being a part of my bookcase, I finally found a courage to read it.

Seriously, I cannot put this book down. I would've finished it in a night except that my mother saw me still awake at around 3 AM and told me to go to sleep.

I think in some ways, I could really relate to this particular book. Though the main character is a 30s years old man, with a moderate job, and some crazy friends.

His pessimistic side is really the part that I could relate to.

"Sometimes I look at myself and think, Is this it?, and then I think, Yes, it is. This is literally the best you will ever look."

But this novel gives you hope, trust me.

It will make you feel summat.

It will make you feel, this is it; no matter what 'this' is.

Or at least I hope you do.

Cause I do.

Yeah, sure, I'd probably went back to my usual unmotivated self in around three days, but, hey, it's better than naught.

Even until you're in the last 50 pages of the novel, you might think: where the bloody hell is the 'hope'?

Trust me, there will be a hope. Just keep reading it.

This novel is not boring. At. All.

And that means a lot coming from me, a maniac for detective and mystery novels.

It's confusing at first, at least I'm confused.

And it's freaking written in British. You know, Londoners slangs. I don't understand most of it. But, I tried my best (Thus why my writing in this post tend to be a little British, sorry. The effect doesn't wear off that fast).

Anyhow, this really is a heartwarming story.

The one that made you let out a big sigh after turning that last page.

The one that made you hope again.

To relationship, to your work, to your best friends, to your self.

Well, before I start acting British again, I'll end it here.

Cheers, mate.

Kecewa

Pernah tidak sih kalian merasa kecewa? Saya yakin pernah.
Kecewa karena nilai, kecewa karena keluarga, kecewa karena diri sendiri, kecewa karena teman.

Beberapa hari ini saya sangat kecewa pada teman dekat saya.

Alasannya tak lain dan tak bukan adalah karena pilpres 2014 besok ini.

Saya tahu, orang - orang mengatakan kita harus bisa menerima pandangan orang yang berbeda dari kita. Tapi kalau sahabat saya sendiri seperti itu, saya merasa berat sekali untuk menerimanya.

Ia tinggal di lingkungan keberagaman, saya tahu itu. Ia memiliki keluarga yang tidak beragama sama degannya. Ia memiliki teman - teman dari berbagai etnis dan agama.

Oleh sebab itu saya sangat kecewa pada pilihannya. Bagaimana mungkin dia memilih seseorang yang telah menorehkan luka yang sangat dalam pada negeri ini di tahun 1998?

Bagaimana mungkin dia masih bisa membela orang tersebut dengan mengatakan beliau hanya menuruti perintah.

Apakah beliau menuruti perintah?
Saya hanya berharap teman saya dapat mencari informasi lebih banyak sebelum berbicara.
Tahukah dia bahwa kata - kata yang sudah diucapkan tidak akan dapat di tarik kembali?

Kasus penculikan 1998 belum selesai. Prabowo belum dinyatakan bersalah atau tidak bersalah oleh pengadilan karena pengadilan untuk kasus ini tidak kunjung dilakukan. Sejak 1998, 3 lembaga negara antara lain Dewan Kehormatan Perwira (DKP), Tim Ad Hoc Komnas HAM, dan Tim Gabungan Pencari Fakta, sudah melakukan penyelidikan dan menemukan keterlibatan Prabowo dalam kasus penculikan 1998 tersebut. Dalam penyelidikannya, tahun 2005-2006 Tim Ad Hoc Komnas HAM memanggil Prabowo untuk bersaksi, namun ia mangkir tak pernah memenuhi panggilan. Tahun 2006, dibantu DPR, Komnas HAM mengajukan pengadilan kasus ini ke Jaksa Agung. Namun hingga detik ini, pengadilan kasus ini belum juga disetujui. Jadi sekali lagi, belum ada pengadilan untuk kasus ini. Maka belum ada kejelasan hukum mengenai status Prabowo bersalah atau tidak bersalah. (Source: here)

Untuk informasi lebih lanjut, silahkan di sini dan ini

Saya jujur sangat kecewa dengan keputusan teman saya tersebut. I thought she's better than this.

Ternyata dia juga bisa termakan dengan isu-isu isapan jempol yang di sebarkan untuk menurukan citra Pak Joko Widodo.

Ternyata dia munafik.

Saya kira dia peduli dengan keberagaman

Saya kira dia mengerti bagaimana rasanya harus malu terhadap warna kulit karena disangka bukan orang Indonesia

Saya kira dia mengerti bahwa orang - orang ingin bisa bebas beribadah tanpa rasa takut

Ternyata dia juga sama fanatiknya dengan orang - orang yang bisa dengan gampang disulut api kebencian yang mengatasnamakan agama.

Saya percaya dengan pernyataan bahwa 'orang baik akan menarik orang baik disekitarnya'

Sekarang saya tidak begitu yakin lagi dengan penilaian saya sendiri.

Dia mengatakan sebaiknya kita membicarakan tentang hal - hal baik dan bukannya menjelek-jelekkan calon lain yang tidak kita pilih.

Lah? Apa dirimu lupa mengatakan pada teman kita bahwa kamu tidak memilih Pak Jokowi karena engkau menganggap dia jahat?

Lalu mengapa aku tidak bisa beranggapan sama?

Tapi baiklah, kalau engkau menginginkan kebaikan, ini kebaikan:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Should I go on?

#salamduajari

Quality Time

I really don't get people.

You see, I finally got into the Architecture Major that I've longed since like, years ago.
And then there's this like Architecture Student Association.
The fact is, getting into an association is a big deal in this place.
I don't mind the orientation, because it's certainly an educational type of orientation.
That is not why I don't why to join them.

The truth is,
I have doubts on myself.
I mean, the only way I can get this far is only because of God. And His decision is never wrong.
But, when I remember the drawings of the rest of my classmates, I was taken aback.
I'm not good at drawing.
And when I saw their drawing, it just hits me.
And now, I actually got into the Architecture Major.
I don't know... I feel so futile, so unimportant.
I mean, I know this is an exaggeration, but I am afraid.

I'm afraid of welcoming yet another change in my life.
What if I didn't do good? What if I'm terrible at it? What if...
And that is one of the reason I don't want to enter the Association.
I think I need to sort things out with myself first
Before I could finally face others with my head held up high.

And anyway~
Since I'm going to be an Architecture student, I bet I wouldn't have that much free time.
I don't know when I'd be able to go back to my lovely home here in Medan.
I don't know when I'd be able to just cuddle in my blankets, watch old movies, watch new tv series, read novels, wake up whenever I want, sleep whenever I want.
I want to cherished this moment as long as I could.
But they don't seem to be able to understand.
Why can't they just leave me alone?
For heaven's sake. Even the seniors told us that it's not an obligatory to join the association.
The hell, bro?







Walaupun lo ketua angkatan, gak usah ngerasa kayak lo bertanggungjawab sama urusan gue.

Okay, to be honest

I just finished watching How I Met Your Mother. I mean, like, finished it for good.
The last time I watched it, I stopped at the 17th episode because I know it's ending and I'm just not ready for the ending.
But before I could finished it, two people have spoiled the ending for me.
One person told me that the mother is, well, going to die.
and the other person told me that Barney and Robin didn't ends up together.

But, you know, when I watched it, I cried and laughed and so I still think that it is an epic TV series.

Some people said that they're disappointed for the ending.
But, I don't know. To me, it's pretty cool.
I mean, I know how the movie should be about how Ted met his wife...
But real life isn't like a fairytale. You didn't meet the one and have a happily ever after. Life goes on. And sometimes, life sucks.
And I guess deep down inside we know that Ted has always love Robin. I guess what Robin said is right. She needs to marry someone that will get through everything to make her happy. And of course it was heartbreaking to see her and Barney got divorced, but Barney ended up to be a better person. He ends up as a father, one thing that he can't be by being with Robin.

There are lots of way to  move on with our lives, but time really is the best cure.
When Ted brought that blue horn to Robin's apartment (again), to me it's the most perfect ending you could ever get.
Cheers.

Goodbye. Sayonara. Au Revoir. Auf Wiedersehen. Antío. Arrivederci. Elveda. Selamat Tinggal.

First of all, pardon the title. I haven't post anything since March so I'm in a hyper mode.

I know, I know, this is my first post after 2 months and why can't it be more cheerful?

Well, in my defence, almost none of my post aren't depressing :)))

Tomorrow I'm going home to Medan (this is not a sad part of this post).

It's been around a month since the last time I saw my room.

Anyway, I'm excited about going back home.

What I'm sad about is this:

My first year in my campus is coming to an end.

Our campus has a different view on how their students should spent their first year.

At first I was pissed.

I mean, how could they do this to us?

How could they made us review all the things that we've learned on our high school years. How could they? After all those days I spent deleting even the slightest bit of memory I have about Physics, Math, and most importantly, Chemistry.

I hated the syllabus.

But when it comes to an end, you finally could look at the whole picture and realised the reason behind all of those endless night and day learning those beautifully torturing subjects.

I realised it when one of my classmate hugs me today.

She said, "Please don't forget about me."

And then it hit me.

I really won't be seeing some of them next semester. I mean, not as much as I used to.

Next semester some of us are going to be in the Planology dept. while some of us (including me, hopefully) will be taking the Architecture major.

I can't see them five days a week anymore. I won't be signing my attendance under their names anymore. I won't get to sit beside them anymore.
I realised that if it isn't about this kind of syllabus I probably wouldn't meet all these amazing people. I am not an anti-social, I just think of it as too much of a bother to interact with another human being. So, I know, if it weren't for this, I might not have these many friends as I have now.
I might probably stressing about some project, some task, some test by myself.
My life would have been completely different.

When I first entered this campus, I really try hard to fit in. I mean, after all of my hard work blending in to the environment in Medan, I need to get back to (almost the same as) my JHS environment.

I have always been an awkward person, an ignorant kid, and mostly most of the time sarcastic.

I thought I never going to have any, well, friends. Of course that was an exaggeration, but, really that's how I felt.

And now, looking back to these ten months, I realised there are a lot of people that have touched my life.

Last Sunday we had our so-called Final Project and at the end of the event we watched these videos made by our friend about, well, i guess it's about all of us.

I couldn't see a thing :)) and I guess that's one of the reason I didn't feel anything watching those videos.

What made me really sad is, I don't know what will happen to us. I am not the most social and easy-going person to deal with, but I am very thankful to those that stay as my friend till the end of this year.

Thanks for the memories guys.

I'll try my best to keep in touch with you guys.

If Someone's too Perfect, They're Hiding Something [Dedicated to my BF: M (like that's too hard to figure out)]

So I guess today everybody learned a lesson which I wrote in the title.

Anyway so yesterday M miscalled me around 9 PM. I didn't answer because I was having dinner (don't comment about that). Anyway, it was only like ten minutes after that -- nope -- five minutes that I called her back. I called her for like eight times but the line kept being busy. So I give it a couple of minutes (okay, it was half an hour) when I called her back. The line came through, but she didn't pick it up. I was worried. Like, really, seriously, no kidding. I mean, she practically is living in a city that she's not so familiar with (well, me too but I'm with my family which kinda not the point here) and I was so afraid she got robbed or something, you know...

So, the following morning, I texted her. I figured I shan't call her because, you know, she might be having her class. She didn't reply. I figured she might not have any credit. Then, after class ended, my class, I called her again. She didn't pick up, again. I was really worried.

But when I got home, I checked my Line and she lined (?) me.

She broke up with her boyfriend. I think they've been going out for a month (maybe less, I don't know, I don't keep track). Turns out her boyfriend-- I mean EX boyfriend --is a jack-ass.
You know, I've always known he seems too perfect. Well, first of all, he's handsome (I never saw him before but that's how my bf said so I'm just going to believe it then), and he reads (which is why I said I approved) and I guess that's all ._.

Anyyyyywayyyyy, I guess what I'm trying to point out in this post is that you really can't know someone too well. And if they seem too good, too nice, too handsome, too pretty, too perfect -- I bet you they're hiding something. Hey, just like him. You know what he's hiding? That he's a JERK-AND-A-HUGE-JACKASS-THAT-I-WANT-TO-KILL-AND-I-CURSED-HIM-:-HE-IS-GOING-TO-BE-BALD-BEFORE-THIRTY-WITH-NO-KIDS-AND-SO-POOR-THAT-HE-LIVES-IN-THE-TRASHBIN.

Okay, so most of my friends know that I've been following this television series called How I Met Your Mother, and most people know that it's going to end soon. That is why I think I'm ready for a new commitment which is watching and older television series called Friends (it's going somewhere, stay with me). And I really love the movie (of course) but, um, I really fell in love with the opening song. It's a really great song which I want to dedicated it to my bf, M.

So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but

(I know the job part is not kinda fit our life, yet. but the broke and (well, mostly my love life) being a DOA kinda fit pretty much, but the chorus is what I really want to dedicate)

I'll be there for you
(When the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you 
(Like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you
('Cause you're there for me too)

Okay now I really need to get back to my... stuffs (not watching television series.......hopefully)

Some Honesty

This is my first post in 2014. The second day of March. And the third Month of 2014.

So let's have this post filled with truth and frankness.

My new friends suck. Okay, maybe that's too mean. What I'm trying to say is that I don't find myself comfortable with them. Not even for a second.

They don't trust their friends, they can't keep their promises, they're hypocrite and most of all, their sense of humour sucks big time.

I tell mean jokes to my best friends, and even if I did, I know where the boundaries are. I don't fu*king make fun of something personal.

Let me just tell you what happened. I am a freaking huge fan of Keane, and they freaking know it. But when I was scribbling this lyric from Keane, a 'friend' asked me "Keane isn't dead yet?" and i fucking can't understand what does she mean by asking that.

Did she find it hilarious? did she think it wasn't such a big deal? did she fucking think at all?

i did said it's nothing when she apologised about it, but ever since that second, i know damn well that i can't be friends with her.

if i force it, i will definitely explode like a fcking Sinabung Mountain that just erupted.

i just can't understand why.

people keep saying to me that i shouldn't be such unsocialised, i shouldn't be so introverted. but please tell me that once people start having common sense again.

tell me to socialise again once people don't just think for themselves.

tell me to socialise again if people could be trusted again.

because i don't need people with no common sense.

i could compromise their sense of music. i could compromise their lack of decency to show up in time. hell, i could even compromise their arrogance. but please just have a common sense.

the only time i could actually laugh in bandung (except when i'm on tumblr) is when i'm with my best friends back in high school. i really don't know what would happen to me if i don't have them here. i could certainly stop believing in people.

i could relate with them about almost everything. and when we can't relate to some things we just laugh it off and forget about it.

these past few weeks i've been seeing ciripah almost every weekend and that's why i realise i can't take any more than this with my so-called friends.

i could definitely still talk with them but that's all i could give, dude.

i would still be nice. because me being nice means i don't want to get any closer with you. if i want to be close with you i would speak to you in sarcastic language and tell mean jokes.

my friend said maybe i just haven't found the people that i could relate too. maybe i'm not trying hard enough to find people like my best friends. but honestly,

i don't know if i'm not looking close enough or am i looking too far.

Isn't it Sad?

For someone you thought as your friend
And you still think is
But they don't seem to think so too

i met someone i used to consider as a friend
it's been five years or so
yet he calmly walk pass by me
he talked to me
but
it was not
what i was hoping for

i was excited
first i'm not sure that it was him
when he looked back at me
then only i knew
that it was him

but he didn't even stop to chat
he was with his friends
and i with mine
i thought 'hey, maybe it's because he was with his friends'
yet it still saddens me

i
no matter when
if i met my friend
back in highschool
back in junior highschool
or even back in middle school
i will always
revert back to my old self
when i was with them

it is naive of me
to hope that people will think
the same as me
yet
i was hoping
though i should've known
not to get my hopes up

this isn't a poem
but somehow
i want to post it like this
maybe
it's because i just read Lang Leav's poem
but anyway

this
shall
end
like
this

Longing

I think this post would seem too cheesy and...what's the word? yeah, cheesy.

you know, it's not that i want a boyfriend, i absolutely don't mind being single. but, i miss liking a person. talking to my best friend about how cool he looks today and basically every single day. i miss trying to catch a glimpse for that someone, i miss trying to act all cool and composed when i'm around that someone.
i just miss all of that things that make you feel stupid.
but then again
there really seems to be no one in this freaking huge campus that made me have that feeling again.
like, even handsome guys doesn't seem to interest me (well, that's probably because they already have a girlfriend)
and guys in my class (well, maybe not all of them) doesn't seem to have anything... that i find attractive.
let's not talk about appearances because seriously, it's not like i'm even that pretty, but i don't seem to find a guy who likes to make jokes. it feels like they're all trying to look so calm and composed it actually makes me feel grossed.
i don't find guys who listen to, i don't know, Two Door, Arctic Monkeys, KEANE. there really seem to be nothing interesting with guys in my class and surroundings -_-
and most importantly, i NEVER found a guy who READS.
is that common?
is that normal somewhere?
because it seems like no guy in Indonesia likes to read. read novels, poetry, classics, any kind of novel at all. and it saddens me.
like, what the hell did you do for fun? seriously.

oh, and glasses! my personal preference. there's no cool guy in a glasses. none. not even close.
or guy who have good hairstyle, it doesn't have to be a salon cut, but you know.... cool.
and there is absolutely no one who has a nice fashion taste (like the one that i...prefer)
*sigh*
oh and, of course, i prefer older guy so......
i think whoever i found in my class wouldn't interest me anyway lol

this is such an unimportant post, but i really want to share about this.
like, what the hell, bro?
i thought guys in Bandung would be cool and well, cool.

but most than that, i really becoming more interested on finding guy who reads.
seriously.
that would be like, a dream come true.
especially if he read Harry Potter, Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie's novels. Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Classics novel such as The Great Gatsby, The Catcher in the Rye.
a few days ago i found this text picture on tumblr that say something like 'date a girl who reads because bla bla bla and bla bla bla"
i really could relate to it.
and that is why i become obsessed with actually finding a guy who reads.
my father reads. like, seriously. he's the one who introduced me to Agatha Christie's novels and made me a maniac. he reads novels like the samurai or cowboy country-ish novels. and he is freaking cool. i mean it. my father is smart and hilarious at almost all of the time.
my brother seldom reads, but he used to read too. right now he just reads from e-books. i guess that's cool too. at least he reads. and my brother sense of music, seriously? can anyone know as many bands as he is?
my little brother also reads. although he likes to read weird stuff like '100 greatest inventions' but he also read Diary of a Wimpy Kid (mine, of course) cause he's awesome. my lil bro is even taller than my big bro now, and because he's my little brother, he likes to ask me about fashion kinda stuff. so basically, he looks pretty damn good.

and that is why it makes me even harder to find a guy to like because i am surrounded by these awesome guys in my whole life and i just really have too high standards bro :))))
and look at me, i can't even be attractive even if i tried :))
dude....
this turns out to be a depressing post just like all my late posts were.

Thoughts.

I'm thinking of quitting this unit i'm currently in.
it's nothing, really.
but, just as i thought, i'm not good with people.
it's too troublesome, dealing with people.
i feel like, the more people give attention to me, the more i feel like digging myself a hole and never leave it.
don't we all have that one day, one day that makes us feel so worthless, so small, so... i don't know, dejected?
i just had that one day.
maybe it's just me hyper-reacting but right now i really want to shut myself in.
i want to be left alone and just have a moment with myself.
or maybe this is just me missing my mom
or maybe this is just me feeling down because of my exams.
or maybe
just maybe
this is just me running away.

you know, i think i'm the kind of person who could actually fail before i even try.
i sometime wonder do i even know myself.
because it's like i think i'm an ignorant person. but then there are times when people's words could really stabbed me in the chest.
or like i thought i don't ever want to talk to anyone when i'm pissed, but then i will text my best friend.
or like i think i like a person and the next thing i know, i don't even like him/her.

it's like i have a double personality or something -________-
like i said i like ghost stories but at the same time i'm scared of them.
it's all so annoying so i guess this is the right time for me to just quit.
maybe i should stick to what i do best: doing nothing.
maybe it will be better for all humankind.

Faker

It's funny how we could be so wrong about people.
Or we could really see how they truly are just by a month.
I never considered myself as a nice person. No.
I just keep my promises. When i promised something, i keep it.
Even when i have to wait for half an hour or an hour, i'll keep it.
I know that some people are not as mature as, well, me.
But acting like an asshole is not right even if you're a kid.
Seriously.
If we could just cut off our relation with other people, just like with a snap of a finger, oh how i'd love to break it apart.
Not just once.
I can understand if you took credit for what i taught you. I could understand you want to be seen as a smart KID.
But then again, i just want to say, you suck.
Oh please, if you want to stab someone, don't stab them in the back. Just face them head on.
Keep acting like that, it's fine.
It won't change my attitude towards you, i ain't gonna make myself a jackass because of some kid. Nope, i will still just be me.
I will always keep my promises
But fyi, i will never consider backstabber as a friend. Not now, not ever.


Geez, what a kid.

Spoiled

Seriously, my dad has been spoiling me for these past few days.
He said he wanted to make sure that i have everything i needed before i went to Bandung.
the first thing he bought me is this b-e-a-utiful watch:

Well, I've been asking for the new watch since, like, the National Exam ended. My old magnificent watch has rest in peace. i really love that big watch...

Anyway, and then Dad said there's no way I can use a netbook when I entered Uni, so he bought me this:

It's a 13 inch Macbook Pro with retina display ._.

i seriously can't believe he actually bought it for me (and on the left side of the laptop is a 1 TB external hard disk)

when dad asked me what laptop i wanted he asked like this: 'so, what kind of laptop do you want, Mac?'

i laughed it off cause i don't think he mean it.

and then, of course i asked my genius/freak tech bro's opinion about this matter.

he told me to get Macbook Pro because it's really good for designing and stuffs. i'll need it for my major.

well, so yesterday, we bought it.

and let me tell you this: having a genius/freak tech bro is something i really need to be grateful for.

Mac is seriously a pain in the stomach when you've been using Windows for years.

there's a lot of incompatibility with the whole operating system... you can only Read your external stuffs because most of those stuffs have a Windows system.

anyway, i just leave it my brother's hand, and, VOILA! i can Read & Write my external hard disk, i have Office for Mac, Speed downloader (they haven't make Internet Download Manager for Mac yet) and stuffs... i really am thankful.

and lastly, today i got this:

actually i fell in love with another shoes near this. BUT

sadly, it's for men. and their minimum size is 39 (6 in USA) while my size is 5.

*sigh*

 so in the end i still need to choose from the women.
it's still cool though, this is the coolest in the rack (i think)

but then it all comes to the realisation that i really am going to leave my lil bro and my dad and my mom behind.
i've been thinking about this
and i decided not to cry when we part (well, we're going to see each other soon in December anyway)
because this is my DREAM. i need to show them that i'll treasure this opportunity God has given me.
and i know it's going to be way, way, WAY tougher for me.
but
God let me in
so He will definitely see me out.
He'll guide me through
that's one thing i know for sure.

i've been packing my stuffs and it's kinda hard. i know i can't bring my whole bedroom, so it's hard... i really need to think this through.
and my novels, oh dude...

i need to choose some (and by 'some' i mean 'very few') novels to bring. there's like three novels already in Bandung, but i would seriously need more.

and the clothes. phew, the clothes......

i literally emptied my wardrobe, lol.

tomorrow i plan to go to Monique's house... we'll see each other in Bandung soon but, well, i can't go without seeing her face first.

Ila and Ciripah can't come. i could definitely still see Ciripah in Bandung, but Ila is staying at Medan so we'll probably see each other less.....

too bad, but, well.. can't help it.

everyone's busy.

I will miss: Mam, Papa, Uli, my desk lamp, my black cat doll from Monique, my guitar replica i got from Bali, the lunchbox i got from Monique, my desk, my notes, my bookcase, my novels!, my bed, my bedcover, my dvds, our fishes, my AC, my bedroom wall............