Man, I said this on my last post too but
Being friend with me is tiring. Really. No joke.
I'm the most emotionally unstable, moody, negative, and annoying person I know.
I suck at holding on to conversation. I suck at basic knowledge in relationship.
It's easy for me to get pissed off all of a sudden and distance myself. And I hate this stubborn side of mine. I will take the most insignificant thing people said and tortured myself with it.
That is why I feel like I need to appreciate the people who still think of me as a friend.
The one who sometimes chat me out of nowhere to show me the video of an artist she's in love currently. Even though we haven't chat for months. There's no "how are you" and all that mundane thing. Like we could always jump straight into this topic to another topic to another topic. And we would stop just like that. And continue another time just like that. Thank you. We have been friends for more than 10 years I guess and I hope we could continue for another 10 years and more.
The one whom I know since my darkest year: High School. University hits us hard and there were time we don't see each other in one whole year. There were time when we stopped talking too for months. But you're there for me whenever I'm throwing tantrum. Whenever I feel like shit by myself, you lower yourself down to make me feel like shit together with you (this is an appreciation post, really). Last year of university has finally hit us hard. You with your job finding and me, still hasn't graduate yet :)))) I am sorry I can't be there during your graduation ceremony. I will video call, promise. I hope you will stay as my friend no matter how annoying and negative I am in the present and future.
To all my friends I never even talk to anymore but whenever they're in town or I'm in theirs always hit me up and ask to meet up. I am sorry in advance if I reject your invitation, being a shut-in introverted person as I am. But please know that I always would want to meet with you guys. It's just that sometimes the most negative side of me took over and I will feel unworthy in meeting any of you guys.
Yesterday I threw another tantrum and I feel like I will lose another "friend". Well it's not like I'm that close with her/them(?) but it still hurts. That's why I don't like people. When they betray your expectation you don't know where you should point this anger in your heart.
To them? but it's not like they're the one that give you this unreasonable expectation.
To myself? but I should've known better that people sucks and I shouldn't have any expectation or whatever.
I keep telling myself that I will limit myself to people who cares, to people whom I hold precious. But I always got hurt like this and I never learn.
And, yes, this person is one of the person I stated on my last post. Finally, right? Well, they've graduated anyways it's not like I will meet them anymore. I should put an end into this as soon as I can.
This year I have lost one friend whom I used to hold dear. I guess here's another one.
23 October 2017
23 February 2017
がっかり
I wonder if I've put on my mask for too long people thought I'll never get serious.
The thing is, having fun people around you sure is fun and stress-free but there will be time when you don't feel like laughing along.
I have never see myself as a fun person, in fact I know I'm not a fun person. I overthink, oversensitive, overstressed
But of course I won't show that when I'm with my friends having fun. I know how to read the mood.
But this week has just been such a solitary week that I have time to overthink. I feel like being in my final year, I need to get a grip.
Dude, being an architecture student is no joke. Especially when you look around you and see the progress others have made and how little you've done and how much your parents trust that you are doing your best and how supportive your prof to you. Those things make you feel like shit. No joke.
And I don't even need to reflect, I know I need put my feet back to the ground.
And not having even a friend that would understand and at least try to understand that is... disappointing.
I feel like I chose the wrong people and that's heartbreaking.
I mean if they don't feel the same they could at least fake a nod or something instead of making fun of me.
It's enough that I feel like shit by myself, I don't need to feel like shit with them too.
Today I feel like I've reached some sort of a climax. Like "nah, I can't take this anymore".
Ridicule me, laugh at me, I seriously don't give a damn. I thought I could be my serious self with them too and turns out I'm wrong.
I feel like shouting at myself.
What a fool.
I'm such a joke.
Where have my so-called pride of entering "the best" university in Indonesia?
Does all the sacrifices my parents made for me means nothing?
They say there's no need to panic and being stressed by yourself.
Really?
I panic for the fact that they're not panicking.
I think you can "leave the timing to God" when you've done the best you can.
Have you?
Have I?
This kind of thinking makes me feel like it's better to be off alone.
Not having friend is better than having friends who you can't be yourself with.
I miss having friends I can do stupid things with and be serious at times too.
There' this thing called balance.
And it's important for you not to fall.
I'm already tired of putting a fake smile.
The thing is, having fun people around you sure is fun and stress-free but there will be time when you don't feel like laughing along.
I have never see myself as a fun person, in fact I know I'm not a fun person. I overthink, oversensitive, overstressed
But of course I won't show that when I'm with my friends having fun. I know how to read the mood.
But this week has just been such a solitary week that I have time to overthink. I feel like being in my final year, I need to get a grip.
Dude, being an architecture student is no joke. Especially when you look around you and see the progress others have made and how little you've done and how much your parents trust that you are doing your best and how supportive your prof to you. Those things make you feel like shit. No joke.
And I don't even need to reflect, I know I need put my feet back to the ground.
And not having even a friend that would understand and at least try to understand that is... disappointing.
I feel like I chose the wrong people and that's heartbreaking.
I mean if they don't feel the same they could at least fake a nod or something instead of making fun of me.
It's enough that I feel like shit by myself, I don't need to feel like shit with them too.
Today I feel like I've reached some sort of a climax. Like "nah, I can't take this anymore".
Ridicule me, laugh at me, I seriously don't give a damn. I thought I could be my serious self with them too and turns out I'm wrong.
I feel like shouting at myself.
What a fool.
I'm such a joke.
Where have my so-called pride of entering "the best" university in Indonesia?
Does all the sacrifices my parents made for me means nothing?
They say there's no need to panic and being stressed by yourself.
Really?
I panic for the fact that they're not panicking.
I think you can "leave the timing to God" when you've done the best you can.
Have you?
Have I?
This kind of thinking makes me feel like it's better to be off alone.
Not having friend is better than having friends who you can't be yourself with.
I miss having friends I can do stupid things with and be serious at times too.
There' this thing called balance.
And it's important for you not to fall.
I'm already tired of putting a fake smile.
12 May 2016
People do stupid things when they're in love
I heard those phrases often enough that i wonder how human brain actually works
The thing is, i think some people misunderstood the phrase and it pushes them to an extremely disturbing relationship
I think when people are in love the things they consider stupid are stupid for the fact that they have never encountered them before
It does not mean you should stick with someone who abuses you in a relationship or simply doesn't treat you right because you THINK you love them
That is not what the term 'stupid' means
At least that's what i think
Why do people let other people hurt them and still think that they're a good person?
Here's the fact:
I don't like being hurt and i thought other people feels the same, like it's a basic human emotion thingy
Yeah sure i know there are all sorts of people out there and some of them calls themself a masochist but
I still think that they don't actually want to get hurt hurt
At least i believe people has something like defense mechanism inside their brain somewhere
Whether it's for physical pain or mental pain
I honestly does not like being hurt
Like physically or mentally
Both has the same amount of pain to me
And being a coward such as me, i chose to run away from the people that might hurt me
The problem with that is i never know what lies on the other side
When you want to get something you might face all sorts of blunders but the reward you'll get at the end of the day is what keeps you going
The thing with love is: you don't know whether there'll be a 'reward' or if it's just gonna be a road full of pure pain
You don't know whether after all those desperate attempts it's going to be worth it
And so i have always choose the painless journey
The boring and calming journey
And i have never regret my decision of chosing them, at least not so far..
If it's about career i know i'll always have God at my side so i could still go on through all those rocky roads
But love...?
Maybe it's my mental age talking but i still don't see the need for me to be commited to another human being and spent most of my time with them
Like i just want to sleep and read and watch and enjoy my solitary in peace with a constant interruption from my family and friends
I honestly think this is not such a terrible way to live. Sure, it might be boring. But i like being boring. To the point where when people ask me what am i going to do this weekend they already have an answer on the back of their head
Ah, i bet she's going to spend the rest of the weekend reading and slacking around the house
The thing is, i think some people misunderstood the phrase and it pushes them to an extremely disturbing relationship
I think when people are in love the things they consider stupid are stupid for the fact that they have never encountered them before
It does not mean you should stick with someone who abuses you in a relationship or simply doesn't treat you right because you THINK you love them
That is not what the term 'stupid' means
At least that's what i think
Why do people let other people hurt them and still think that they're a good person?
Here's the fact:
I don't like being hurt and i thought other people feels the same, like it's a basic human emotion thingy
Yeah sure i know there are all sorts of people out there and some of them calls themself a masochist but
I still think that they don't actually want to get hurt hurt
At least i believe people has something like defense mechanism inside their brain somewhere
Whether it's for physical pain or mental pain
I honestly does not like being hurt
Like physically or mentally
Both has the same amount of pain to me
And being a coward such as me, i chose to run away from the people that might hurt me
The problem with that is i never know what lies on the other side
When you want to get something you might face all sorts of blunders but the reward you'll get at the end of the day is what keeps you going
The thing with love is: you don't know whether there'll be a 'reward' or if it's just gonna be a road full of pure pain
You don't know whether after all those desperate attempts it's going to be worth it
And so i have always choose the painless journey
The boring and calming journey
And i have never regret my decision of chosing them, at least not so far..
If it's about career i know i'll always have God at my side so i could still go on through all those rocky roads
But love...?
Maybe it's my mental age talking but i still don't see the need for me to be commited to another human being and spent most of my time with them
Like i just want to sleep and read and watch and enjoy my solitary in peace with a constant interruption from my family and friends
I honestly think this is not such a terrible way to live. Sure, it might be boring. But i like being boring. To the point where when people ask me what am i going to do this weekend they already have an answer on the back of their head
Ah, i bet she's going to spend the rest of the weekend reading and slacking around the house
22 February 2016
Tearful Pray
The rain pours down as we leave the hospital.
It started out as a drizzle then it turns heavy the closer we got to home.
I cried at the hospital and I cried again on our way home, hiding my face so no one can see.
I entered the ICU by myself this morning.
There are hoses everywhere. Several monitors. Ompung's eyes are closed.
I walk closer to his right side. I can feel tears welled up in my eyes.
I hold his hand, now so thin and fragile. I tighten my grasp.
And then slowly ompung opens his eyes.
I greeted him.
He keeps on staring at the ceiling.
I caress his right hand.
And then I start massaging ompung's leg.
Suddenly, ompung coughed.
Ompung looks like he's in a lot of pain trying to cough.
One of the monitor's light turn red for a second, then orange, then neutral again.
I panicked. I called the nurse but the nurse did not seem to hear my choked up voice.
I move closer to ompung again.
This time I whispered to him that my brothers send their wishes, they hope ompung will get well soon.
Ompung still look straight up, but his eyes become teary.
At that moment I couldn't held my tears any longer. I returned to his legs and start massaging it again. Left, right, left, right.
And then entered my aunt.
You have no idea how emotional I get when my aunt enter. She came in and start whispering all sort of soothing words to ompung, though it sounds more like a dagger stabbed in my heart.
Ompung closes his eyes slowly as my aunt landed a kiss on his right cheek.
My tears pour heavier.
And then I don't know whether it's the nurse or guard but he said that the visiting time is over.
We said our goodbye.
When we let go of our hand, ompung tried to raise his left hand. I hold his hand once again, caress it.
And then we got out.
I have never been a very religious person and I have made a lot of mistakes, and I sin.
I know my place. Who am I to ask even for another second for ompung's life if God has decided to call him home? Who am I to beg?
I don't deserve to be ompung's granddaughter. I'm just a piece of shit. I got annoyed when ompung calls to ask when I'll get home. I got pissed when his respond is slow. I got mad when he doesn't listen to what we said, even though it's for his own sake. I'm such a hypocrite. I should be gone before him. I should've treated ompung better. I should've be more patience. I should've been a better granddaughter. A garbage like me should just die.
A piece of useless shit like me can't even make him proud.
From the moment I was born, ompung boru and doli is my only grandparents. My grandparents from my dad's side is no longer in this world when I was born.
I remember how we always look forward to holiday in Bandung back when we're still living in Malaysia. Because Bandung means family. Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Ompung.
I know everyone has a time limit. And I know ompung has been fighting so hard for these last ten days. But... I still don't want him to go. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Just a little bit longer. Let me treat him better. Let me make him proud. Let me be his granddaughter a little bit more.
Lord, give me another chance.
Please let us take him back to our house...
I don't want to part with him yet.
Lord I'm begging you..
It started out as a drizzle then it turns heavy the closer we got to home.
I cried at the hospital and I cried again on our way home, hiding my face so no one can see.
I entered the ICU by myself this morning.
There are hoses everywhere. Several monitors. Ompung's eyes are closed.
I walk closer to his right side. I can feel tears welled up in my eyes.
I hold his hand, now so thin and fragile. I tighten my grasp.
And then slowly ompung opens his eyes.
I greeted him.
He keeps on staring at the ceiling.
I caress his right hand.
And then I start massaging ompung's leg.
Suddenly, ompung coughed.
Ompung looks like he's in a lot of pain trying to cough.
One of the monitor's light turn red for a second, then orange, then neutral again.
I panicked. I called the nurse but the nurse did not seem to hear my choked up voice.
I move closer to ompung again.
This time I whispered to him that my brothers send their wishes, they hope ompung will get well soon.
Ompung still look straight up, but his eyes become teary.
At that moment I couldn't held my tears any longer. I returned to his legs and start massaging it again. Left, right, left, right.
And then entered my aunt.
You have no idea how emotional I get when my aunt enter. She came in and start whispering all sort of soothing words to ompung, though it sounds more like a dagger stabbed in my heart.
Ompung closes his eyes slowly as my aunt landed a kiss on his right cheek.
My tears pour heavier.
And then I don't know whether it's the nurse or guard but he said that the visiting time is over.
We said our goodbye.
When we let go of our hand, ompung tried to raise his left hand. I hold his hand once again, caress it.
And then we got out.
I have never been a very religious person and I have made a lot of mistakes, and I sin.
I know my place. Who am I to ask even for another second for ompung's life if God has decided to call him home? Who am I to beg?
I don't deserve to be ompung's granddaughter. I'm just a piece of shit. I got annoyed when ompung calls to ask when I'll get home. I got pissed when his respond is slow. I got mad when he doesn't listen to what we said, even though it's for his own sake. I'm such a hypocrite. I should be gone before him. I should've treated ompung better. I should've be more patience. I should've been a better granddaughter. A garbage like me should just die.
A piece of useless shit like me can't even make him proud.
From the moment I was born, ompung boru and doli is my only grandparents. My grandparents from my dad's side is no longer in this world when I was born.
I remember how we always look forward to holiday in Bandung back when we're still living in Malaysia. Because Bandung means family. Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Ompung.
I know everyone has a time limit. And I know ompung has been fighting so hard for these last ten days. But... I still don't want him to go. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Just a little bit longer. Let me treat him better. Let me make him proud. Let me be his granddaughter a little bit more.
Lord, give me another chance.
Please let us take him back to our house...
I don't want to part with him yet.
Lord I'm begging you..
19 December 2015
People (人)
Was it two days ago? Ah, no, it was three days ago.
It was a peaceful daily day for others, but, well at least to me it was hell.
I only had one hour sleep that day (and that was because i forced myself to sleep).
Yeah, it was the deadline for our final project this semester. F-ing architecture school.
Anyway, that's not what I want to talk about. After I finished with the presentation (don't ask me how it went) and other stuffs, I went to get lunch with my friend.
It's been a while since we ate together even though our desks in studio are just back to back.
Before long, another friend of us showed up. She ended up joining us for talk after lunch.
We talked from the most trivial thing to somewhat more personal stuffs.
I... always remind myself not to be a judgemental person. Mostly because I hate being judged. That's why this is not a judgemental post. I just... found out more about my friends.
I don't know if this has been known but I prefer to be a background person. Like, seriously. I don't mind not being acknowledge by the people I don't care about. Whatever people I don't know think about me, I honestly don't mind.
So our conversation that day ended up to a direction I'm not too comfortable about.
My two friends are talking about their reaction when people do bad or unpleasant stuff to them.
I don't really...
Okay, anyway they said when somebody did something bad to them, they would make those people pay, the same amount of 'pain' or more. My friends said they absolutely won't settle for less. And then they added that they feel some kind of satisfactory when they get their 'revenge'.
I never said I'm a kind person, nope. I'm just indifferent.
I don't care if somebody did something bad to me, because most probably I don't care about that person.
So I was kinda taken aback with what my friends said...
I... used to be pissed whenever my mom could still be so kind when our relatives treat her wrong. But now, I think I could actually say to my past self that I was such a kid.
Was it age talking (omg, I'm not even that old), or was it because my mom really did a great job raising me, or was it because God's words finally come to my consciousness, like I would know something like that...
It's just once again I'm bewildered by the nature of some people.
I never understand the point of revenge. Whenever I got pissed, it'll be washed away after I fell asleep.
You're wasting your energy for stuffs like revenge. Rather than that, wouldn't it be better to focus on improving yourself? Your parents raised you to at least be a decent human being.
I have tons of aspects in my life I need to improve on. For the time being, I myself can't be sure whether I'm a decent human being or not.
I don't have time for people I don't care.
That's just that.
It was a peaceful daily day for others, but, well at least to me it was hell.
I only had one hour sleep that day (and that was because i forced myself to sleep).
Yeah, it was the deadline for our final project this semester. F-ing architecture school.
Anyway, that's not what I want to talk about. After I finished with the presentation (don't ask me how it went) and other stuffs, I went to get lunch with my friend.
It's been a while since we ate together even though our desks in studio are just back to back.
Before long, another friend of us showed up. She ended up joining us for talk after lunch.
We talked from the most trivial thing to somewhat more personal stuffs.
I... always remind myself not to be a judgemental person. Mostly because I hate being judged. That's why this is not a judgemental post. I just... found out more about my friends.
I don't know if this has been known but I prefer to be a background person. Like, seriously. I don't mind not being acknowledge by the people I don't care about. Whatever people I don't know think about me, I honestly don't mind.
So our conversation that day ended up to a direction I'm not too comfortable about.
My two friends are talking about their reaction when people do bad or unpleasant stuff to them.
I don't really...
Okay, anyway they said when somebody did something bad to them, they would make those people pay, the same amount of 'pain' or more. My friends said they absolutely won't settle for less. And then they added that they feel some kind of satisfactory when they get their 'revenge'.
I never said I'm a kind person, nope. I'm just indifferent.
I don't care if somebody did something bad to me, because most probably I don't care about that person.
So I was kinda taken aback with what my friends said...
I... used to be pissed whenever my mom could still be so kind when our relatives treat her wrong. But now, I think I could actually say to my past self that I was such a kid.
Was it age talking (omg, I'm not even that old), or was it because my mom really did a great job raising me, or was it because God's words finally come to my consciousness, like I would know something like that...
It's just once again I'm bewildered by the nature of some people.
I never understand the point of revenge. Whenever I got pissed, it'll be washed away after I fell asleep.
You're wasting your energy for stuffs like revenge. Rather than that, wouldn't it be better to focus on improving yourself? Your parents raised you to at least be a decent human being.
I have tons of aspects in my life I need to improve on. For the time being, I myself can't be sure whether I'm a decent human being or not.
I don't have time for people I don't care.
That's just that.
10 August 2015
Supernatural (n)
Why is it that humans tend to disagree on matters they cannot understand; things that are unfathomable.
This thought came to be a few days ago when me and my family was on our way somewhere I can no longer recall.
My mom was looking at something on her Facebook wall and suddenly said,
"There are still people who believe in things like aliens..."
Don't misunderstand, I don't believe nor do I have anything against supernatural things.
It's just I always think that I'm an open-minded person. Or at least I would like to be an open-minded person.
From aliens to archangels and demons and reaper or stuffs.
I breathe fiction.
Like, my whole (mental) life has been built on fiction.
But
The more I read, the more I fantasise, the more I write, the more I imagine, the more I want to run away from my reality.
I guess it's a given. Hell, it would've been weird if I didn't think of that.
Isn't it nice to live in a fantasy world?
To be able to create a whole different dimension where you'll never get hurt.
Where you don't have to suffer.
Where everything will be alright.
Where you feel like you belong.
.
.
.
Where you finally be able to love yourself?
"Tragedies nowadays aren't popular--"
That was something I read in a comic book.
I wonder if supernatural beings could be considered tragedies?
I mean, the fact that we need to categorise it into a certain category seems a little bit sad.
This is (most) probably my mind rambling but I really want to drawn myself in fantasy.
Down,
down,
down,
into the deep sleep.
Let me dream forever.
Where werewolves can roam through the avenue.
Where succubus sell flowers and chat merrily with a tanuki.
And there will be an orthrus taking care of it house.
I'm not making any sense...
I never did anyway.
The point is:
People need to have more imagination.
This thought came to be a few days ago when me and my family was on our way somewhere I can no longer recall.
My mom was looking at something on her Facebook wall and suddenly said,
"There are still people who believe in things like aliens..."
Don't misunderstand, I don't believe nor do I have anything against supernatural things.
It's just I always think that I'm an open-minded person. Or at least I would like to be an open-minded person.
From aliens to archangels and demons and reaper or stuffs.
I breathe fiction.
Like, my whole (mental) life has been built on fiction.
But
The more I read, the more I fantasise, the more I write, the more I imagine, the more I want to run away from my reality.
I guess it's a given. Hell, it would've been weird if I didn't think of that.
Isn't it nice to live in a fantasy world?
To be able to create a whole different dimension where you'll never get hurt.
Where you don't have to suffer.
Where everything will be alright.
Where you feel like you belong.
.
.
.
Where you finally be able to love yourself?
"Tragedies nowadays aren't popular--"
That was something I read in a comic book.
I wonder if supernatural beings could be considered tragedies?
I mean, the fact that we need to categorise it into a certain category seems a little bit sad.
This is (most) probably my mind rambling but I really want to drawn myself in fantasy.
Down,
down,
down,
into the deep sleep.
Let me dream forever.
Where werewolves can roam through the avenue.
Where succubus sell flowers and chat merrily with a tanuki.
And there will be an orthrus taking care of it house.
I'm not making any sense...
I never did anyway.
The point is:
People need to have more imagination.
10 May 2015
Countdown of sort
It's 21.42 right now where I'm writing this post. It's 10th of May.
If anyone reading this know when is my birthday, yes, it is about the end of my teenage years.
It's tomorrow.
And I don't know, back when I was like 17, I read this post my cousin wrote about the unimportant worry of being 'old' and I thought, 'hell yea, it's not something to be afraid of.'
But
It is different when you're the one experiencing it.
I thought I'm ready.
I thought I can face this upcoming birthday head on, you know...
but I don't.
I'm scared.
I don't know if I'm going to make the right decisions in my life or if I would still be as immature and dependent as I am right now.
I don't know how I am going to cope with adulthood with my very, very, laid back personality -- my nonchalant ways of living.
I am genuinely horrified of what's going to happen.
You would think that because of my nonchalant persona i would not worry about this--this shifting in my self. but I do, I really do.
I have never embraced changes my whole life. no. well, most of the times.
and this it the first time I won't be celebrating it with my family. It's something very big for me.
Made me realised, 'the first of how many?'
Face the truth, we all are going to go our separate ways in the end. so, like, maybe this is the beginning of the intersection.
And I better stop myself right now before the fear sinks in to my body
If anyone reading this know when is my birthday, yes, it is about the end of my teenage years.
It's tomorrow.
And I don't know, back when I was like 17, I read this post my cousin wrote about the unimportant worry of being 'old' and I thought, 'hell yea, it's not something to be afraid of.'
But
It is different when you're the one experiencing it.
I thought I'm ready.
I thought I can face this upcoming birthday head on, you know...
but I don't.
I'm scared.
I don't know if I'm going to make the right decisions in my life or if I would still be as immature and dependent as I am right now.
I don't know how I am going to cope with adulthood with my very, very, laid back personality -- my nonchalant ways of living.
I am genuinely horrified of what's going to happen.
You would think that because of my nonchalant persona i would not worry about this--this shifting in my self. but I do, I really do.
I have never embraced changes my whole life. no. well, most of the times.
and this it the first time I won't be celebrating it with my family. It's something very big for me.
Made me realised, 'the first of how many?'
Face the truth, we all are going to go our separate ways in the end. so, like, maybe this is the beginning of the intersection.
And I better stop myself right now before the fear sinks in to my body
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